by Max Barry

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The Ancient Grove of Bristlecone Pine

“We Still Enjoy the Sunrise After All these Years”

Category: Father Knows Best State
Civil Rights:
Below Average
Economy:
Frightening
Political Freedoms:
Few

Regional Influence: Sprat

Location: Forest

OverviewPoliciesPeopleGovernmentEconomyRankTrendCards

Bristlecone Pine

Population10.951 billion

CapitalDroste
LeaderLeader
FaithMethusalism

CurrencyMeta
AnimalClarks Nutcracker

The Ancient Grove of Bristlecone Pine is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Leader with an iron fist, and renowned for its compulsory military service, lack of airports, and free-roaming dinosaurs. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, humorless, devout population of 10.951 billion Bristlecone Pineans are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.

It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, corrupt government stops and the rest of society begins, but it juggles the competing demands of Administration, Industry, and Environment. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Droste. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 90.0%.

The frighteningly efficient Bristlecone Pinean economy, worth a remarkable 1,095 trillion Metas a year, is driven almost entirely by government activity. The industrial sector, which is extremely specialized, is mostly made up of the Information Technology industry, with significant contributions from Book Publishing. Average income is an impressive 100,019 Metas, with the richest citizens earning 6.4 times as much as the poorest.

It is illegal to have the wrong clock time showing on your microwave oven, oracles predict landslide victories for Leader for the next 50 years, metal detectors have been banned after a bottle cap caused a riot at the beach, and you're only as old as you feel. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Bristlecone Pine's national animal is the Clarks Nutcracker, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies, and its national religion is Methusalism.

Bristlecone Pine is ranked 63,928th in the world and 93rd in Forest for Most Average, scoring 42.38 on the Average Standardized Normality Scale.

Top
1%
Most Ignorant Citizens: 950thMost Extensive Public Healthcare: 1,268thMost Subsidized Industry: 1,350thBest Weather: 1,351stMost Eco-Friendly Governments: 1,491stTop
5%
Largest Black Market: 3,131stMost Advanced Law Enforcement: 4,198thMost Advanced Public Transport: 4,745thMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 5,475thLongest Average Lifespans: 5,557thHealthiest Citizens: 5,815thMost Devout: 5,927thMost Beautiful Environments: 6,048thMost Corrupt Governments: 7,130thHighest Average Tax Rates: 8,493rdMost Efficient Economies: 9,965thTop
10%
Most Popular Tourist Destinations: 11,083rdHighest Economic Output: 15,411thLargest Governments: 16,687thLowest Crime Rates: 19,873rd
Top
5%
Most Subsidized Industry: 12th in the regionMost Ignorant Citizens: 14th in the regionMost Advanced Law Enforcement: 16th in the regionLargest Black Market: 18th in the regionTop
10%
Most Extensive Public Healthcare: 24th in the regionMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 29th in the regionMost Corrupt Governments: 31st in the regionMost Devout: 34th in the region

National Happenings

Most Recent Government Activity:

  • : Bristlecone Pine was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Valuable International Artwork.
  • : Following new legislation in Bristlecone Pine, you're only as old as you feel.
  • : Following new legislation in Bristlecone Pine, metal detectors have been banned after a bottle cap caused a riot at the beach.
  • : Following new legislation in Bristlecone Pine, oracles predict landslide victories for Leader for the next 50 years.
  • : Following new legislation in Bristlecone Pine, it is illegal to have the wrong clock time showing on your microwave oven.
  • : Following new legislation in Bristlecone Pine, mountains of VHS tapes of police actions are stacking up in the National Library.
  • : Following new legislation in Bristlecone Pine, mathematicians are hated by children across the country.
  • : Following new legislation in Bristlecone Pine, the nation has an international reputation for compassion.
  • : Following new legislation in Bristlecone Pine, business meetings across the country are interrupted by the sound of squeaking whoopee-cushions.
  • : Bristlecone Pine's influence in Forest rose from "Minnow" to "Sprat".

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