The Protectorate of Cafe Oriental is a colossal, socially progressive nation, renowned for its burgeoning leopard population. The democratic population of 8.016 billion Cafe Orientalians are free to do what they want with their own bodies, and vote for whomever they like in elections; if they go into business, however, they are regulated to within an inch of their lives.

The medium-sized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Healthcare, and Welfare. The average income tax rate is 21.0%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The large but underdeveloped Cafe Orientalian economy, worth 200 trillion rupees a year, is led by the Cheese Exports industry, with major contributions from Gambling, Woodchip Exports, and Door-to-door Insurance Sales. Black market activity is notable. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 25,029 rupees, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Organ donation is compulsory, Harry Potter books are banned, the government awards prizes to television shows featuring stereotype-breaking minority roles, and the nation's reputation for treachery has left it sidelined on the international stage. Crime is relatively low, thanks to a capable police force. Cafe Oriental's national animal is the leopard, which can occasionally be seen sifting through garbage in the nation's cities.

Cafe Oriental is ranked 102,484^th in the world and 951^st in Hispano Germanic Alliance for Nudest, with 166.5 cheeks per square mile.