The Republic of Coltvania is a gargantuan, socially progressive nation, ruled by Lord Regent Colton with a fair hand, and remarkable for its rampant corporate plagiarism, smutty television, and public floggings. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic, humorless, devout population of 30.225 billion Coltvanians hold their civil and political rights very dear, although the wealthy and those in business tend to be viewed with suspicion.

The large, corrupt, liberal government prioritizes Defense, although Law & Order, Education, and Industry are also considered important. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Valencia. The average income tax rate is 98.5%.

The frighteningly efficient Coltvanian economy, worth a remarkable 7,939 trillion coltvanian dollers a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Book Publishing, and Soda Sales. Black market activity is frequent. State-owned companies are common. Average income is an amazing 262,667 coltvanian dollers, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The secret ingredient is love (and MSG), children are often punished for the sins of the fathers, a typical fast food menu item could serve a small army, and the government sends submarines to retrieve bodies from shipwrecked submarines. Crime is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Coltvania's national animal is the killer guinea pig, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Abbey Of The Coltvanian People.

Coltvania is ranked 2,956^th in the world and 55^th in The Communist Bloc for Lowest Crime Rates, with 130.95 law-abiding acts per hour.