by Max Barry

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The Walled Cities of EretzIsrael

“בתחבולות תעשה לך מלחמה‎”

Category: Corporate Bordello
Civil Rights:
Political Freedoms:

Regional Influence: Minnow

Location: The North Pacific



Population26.508 billion

LeaderBenjamin Satanyahu


The Walled Cities of EretzIsrael is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Benjamin Satanyahu with a fair hand, and remarkable for its infamous sell-swords, complete lack of public education, and absence of drug laws. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic, humorless population of 26.508 billion EretzIsraelians are effectively ruled by a group of massive corporations, who run for political office and provide their well-off citizens with world-class goods and services. Their poorer citizens, however, are mostly starving to death while being urged to go out and get real jobs. The populace has reasonably extensive civil rights, although these are mostly aimed at allowing them to buy whatever they like.

The minute, corrupt, pro-business, outspoken government, or what there is of one, prioritizes Industry, although Defense is also considered important, while Environment and Welfare aren't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of יְרוּשָׁלַיִם. Income tax is unheard of.

The frighteningly efficient EretzIsraelian economy, worth an astonishing 23,238 trillion שקלs a year, is driven almost entirely by the private sector, which is broadly diversified and led by the Retail industry, with major contributions from Gambling, Information Technology, and Soda Sales. Average income is a breathtaking 876,651 שקלs, but there is a vast disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 8,177,722 per year while the poor average 8,311, a ratio of 983 to 1.

Major cities shut down as their local sports team takes to the field every day, the diplomatic corps stinks, airport security is provided by private companies, and economists have been named Invertebrates of the Year. Crime is so common that it is unusual to encounter someone following the law, perhaps because of the country's complete lack of prisons. EretzIsrael's national animal is the gazelle, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Satanism.

EretzIsrael is ranked 5th in the world and 1st in The North Pacific for Largest Gambling Industry, scoring 92,407.34 on the Kelly Criterion Productivity Index.

Fattest Citizens: 2ndMost Avoided: 3rdRudest Citizens: 3rdHighest Unexpected Death Rate: 4thLargest Gambling Industry: 5thLowest Overall Tax Burden: 7thLargest Retail Industry: 7thMost Corrupt Governments: 8thHighest Wealthy Incomes: 10thHighest Disposable Incomes: 10thLargest Soda Pop Sector: 13thLargest Pizza Delivery Sector: 15thMost Armed: 18thMost Efficient Economies: 19thHighest Crime Rates: 20thLargest Insurance Industry: 27thMost Secular: 29thHighest Average Incomes: 33rdLargest Furniture Restoration Industry: 36thMost Scientifically Advanced: 40thGreatest Rich-Poor Divides: 45thLargest Timber Woodchipping Industry: 50thMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 52ndLargest Automobile Manufacturing Sector: 58thLargest Cheese Export Sector: 62ndLargest Mining Sector: 76thHighest Economic Output: 82ndLargest Agricultural Sector: 153rdLargest Basket Weaving Sector: 245thLargest Manufacturing Sector: 511thLargest Information Technology Sector: 853rdMost Pro-Market: 1,616thMost Subsidized Industry: 1,686thMost Valuable International Artwork: 2,026thLargest Governments: 2,270thMost Stationary: 2,801stTop
Largest Arms Manufacturing Sector: 3,782ndLargest Trout Fishing Sector: 6,158thLargest Populations: 6,513thLargest Publishing Industry: 8,075thSmartest Citizens: 8,361stMost Advanced Defense Forces: 10,121stMost Influential: 12,887thLargest Black Market: 14,076thTop
Most World Assembly Endorsements: 16,551st
Highest Wealthy Incomes: 1st in the regionMost Corrupt Governments: 1st in the regionHighest Average Incomes: 1st in the regionHighest Unexpected Death Rate: 1st in the regionHighest Crime Rates: 1st in the regionLargest Insurance Industry: 1st in the regionLargest Soda Pop Sector: 1st in the regionLargest Gambling Industry: 1st in the regionMost Avoided: 1st in the regionMost Secular: 1st in the regionMost Armed: 1st in the regionRudest Citizens: 1st in the regionLargest Pizza Delivery Sector: 1st in the regionFattest Citizens: 1st in the regionLowest Overall Tax Burden: 1st in the regionHighest Disposable Incomes: 1st in the regionLargest Retail Industry: 1st in the regionLargest Timber Woodchipping Industry: 1st in the regionMost Efficient Economies: 2nd in the regionLargest Automobile Manufacturing Sector: 2nd in the regionGreatest Rich-Poor Divides: 2nd in the regionHighest Economic Output: 2nd in the regionLargest Furniture Restoration Industry: 2nd in the regionLargest Mining Sector: 2nd in the regionMost Scientifically Advanced: 3rd in the regionLargest Cheese Export Sector: 3rd in the regionMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 3rd in the regionMost Pro-Market: 5th in the regionLargest Agricultural Sector: 6th in the regionLargest Basket Weaving Sector: 7th in the regionLargest Manufacturing Sector: 17th in the regionLargest Information Technology Sector: 41st in the regionMost Subsidized Industry: 65th in the regionMost Stationary: 66th in the regionTop
Largest Populations: 77th in the regionLargest Arms Manufacturing Sector: 87th in the regionLargest Governments: 105th in the regionLargest Trout Fishing Sector: 189th in the regionLargest Black Market: 202nd in the regionMost Valuable International Artwork: 223rd in the regionMost Advanced Defense Forces: 278th in the regionTop
Largest Publishing Industry: 395th in the regionSmartest Citizens: 418th in the regionMost Politically Free: 550th in the region

National Happenings

Most Recent Government Activity:

  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, economists have been named Invertebrates of the Year.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, airport security is provided by private companies.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, the diplomatic corps stinks.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, major cities shut down as their local sports team takes to the field every day.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, voter turnout for the election of the Junior Assistant for Non-Digital Media Strategies has been unsurprisingly low.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, passionate nomination battles are often as intense as general elections.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, hundreds of teenagers die every year at the EretzIsraelian Hungry Games.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, bleach is the nation's most common pesticide.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, citizens complain about a burning sensation after bathing.
  • : Following new legislation in EretzIsrael, takeaway food bought on the weekend now comes with fifty percent more sweat and tears.