by Max Barry

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The Children's Crusade of Guiness Freaks

“See ya later new Doug” Beer Leader

Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise
Civil Rights:
Political Freedoms:
Below Average

Regional Influence: Apprentice

Location: Lazarus


Guiness Freaks

Population15.087 billion

CapitalJameson Whiskey
LeaderBeer Leader

Animalbeer owl

The Children's Crusade of Guiness Freaks is a gargantuan, socially progressive nation, ruled by Beer Leader with an even hand, and remarkable for its keen interest in outer space, anti-smoking policies, and punitive income tax rates. The compassionate, humorless population of 15.087 billion Guiness Freaksians enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.

The government — a sprawling, bureaucracy-choked, liberal morass — juggles the competing demands of Education, Environment, and Social Policy. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Jameson Whiskey. The average income tax rate is 98.2%.

The frighteningly efficient Guiness Freaksian economy, worth a remarkable 2,169 trillion pints a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is highly specialized, is mostly made up of the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Book Publishing. Average income is an impressive 143,773 pints, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The nation's school children are fluent in Klingon but lack basic mathematical skills, graffiti graces every city's streets, vital intelligence-gathering activities are often put on hold for Call of Honor tournaments, and attendance of fathers at PTA meetings is at an all-time high. Crime is totally unknown. Guiness Freaks's national animal is the beer owl, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies, and its national religion is Nihilism.

Guiness Freaks is ranked 3,613th in the world and 202nd in Lazarus for Highest Foreign Aid Spending, scoring 3,109.27 on the Clooney Contribution Index.

Most Eco-Friendly Governments: 290thMost Beautiful Environments: 676thMost Advanced Public Education: 734thBest Weather: 996thMost Popular Tourist Destinations: 1,171stLargest Welfare Programs: 1,185thMost Inclusive: 1,417thMost Rebellious Youth: 1,756thMost Developed: 1,851stMost Compassionate Citizens: 2,027thMost Pacifist: 2,038thHighest Average Tax Rates: 2,129thTop
Most Politically Apathetic Citizens: 2,288thMost Extensive Public Healthcare: 2,298thMost World Assembly Endorsements: 2,342ndMost Influential: 2,347thLongest Average Lifespans: 2,969thSmartest Citizens: 3,141stLargest Governments: 3,315thHealthiest Citizens: 3,593rdHighest Foreign Aid Spending: 3,613thMost Cultured: 5,423rdHighest Poor Incomes: 6,462ndLargest Publishing Industry: 6,696thHighest Economic Output: 6,853rdHighest Workforce Participation Rate: 6,878thMost Secular: 7,044thMost Valuable International Artwork: 7,081stLowest Crime Rates: 8,341stNicest Citizens: 8,658thMost Advanced Public Transport: 10,074thLeast Corrupt Governments: 10,405thTop
Most Efficient Economies: 13,375thLargest Populations: 13,995thHighest Average Incomes: 15,074thMost Subsidized Industry: 18,754thMost Stationary: 19,754thMost Scientifically Advanced: 19,914thLargest Information Technology Sector: 20,321stSafest: 20,958thHighest Drug Use: 21,910thMost Income Equality: 22,249th
Most Eco-Friendly Governments: 10th in the regionMost World Assembly Endorsements: 20th in the regionMost Influential: 25th in the regionMost Beautiful Environments: 27th in the regionMost Advanced Public Education: 30th in the regionBest Weather: 41st in the regionMost Popular Tourist Destinations: 51st in the regionLargest Welfare Programs: 52nd in the regionMost Inclusive: 53rd in the regionMost Rebellious Youth: 61st in the regionMost Compassionate Citizens: 82nd in the regionTop
Most Developed: 88th in the regionMost Pacifist: 88th in the regionMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 110th in the regionHighest Average Tax Rates: 113th in the regionMost Extensive Public Healthcare: 116th in the regionSmartest Citizens: 146th in the regionLongest Average Lifespans: 157th in the regionLargest Governments: 164th in the regionHealthiest Citizens: 182nd in the regionHighest Foreign Aid Spending: 202nd in the regionMost Valuable International Artwork: 266th in the regionMost Cultured: 279th in the regionMost Stationary: 319th in the regionHighest Workforce Participation Rate: 325th in the regionHighest Poor Incomes: 326th in the regionHighest Economic Output: 329th in the regionLargest Publishing Industry: 350th in the regionMost Secular: 385th in the regionNicest Citizens: 415th in the regionTop
Highest Drug Use: 447th in the regionLargest Populations: 449th in the regionLowest Crime Rates: 508th in the regionLeast Corrupt Governments: 542nd in the regionMost Extensive Civil Rights: 557th in the regionMost Advanced Public Transport: 663rd in the regionMost Efficient Economies: 674th in the regionMost Income Equality: 701st in the regionHighest Average Incomes: 841st in the region

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