by Max Barry

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The Children's Crusade of Guiness Freaks

“See ya later new Doug” Beer Leader

Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise
Civil Rights:
Political Freedoms:

Regional Influence: Apprentice

Location: Lazarus


Guiness Freaks

Population14.61 billion

CapitalJameson Whiskey
LeaderBeer Leader

Animalbeer owl

The Children's Crusade of Guiness Freaks is a gargantuan, environmentally stunning nation, ruled by Beer Leader with an even hand, and renowned for its rum-swilling pirates, museums and concert halls, and state-planned economy. The compassionate, humorless population of 14.61 billion Guiness Freaksians enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.

The government — a sprawling, bureaucracy-choked, socially-minded morass — juggles the competing demands of Education, Environment, and Social Policy. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Jameson Whiskey. The average income tax rate is 98.2%.

The frighteningly efficient Guiness Freaksian economy, worth a remarkable 2,082 trillion pints a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is highly specialized, is led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Book Publishing. Average income is an impressive 142,534 pints, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Welfare funding has recently gone through the roof, the nation is currently revamping its entire education system, the lactose-intolerant are force-fed cheese products with predictably gassy results, and discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is illegal. Crime is totally unknown. Guiness Freaks's national animal is the beer owl, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies, and its national religion is Nihilism.

Guiness Freaks is ranked 185,689th in the world and 7,105th in Lazarus for Most Pro-Market, scoring -80.22 on the Rand Index.

Most Eco-Friendly Governments: 304thMost Beautiful Environments: 687thMost Advanced Public Education: 750thBest Weather: 1,017thMost Popular Tourist Destinations: 1,209thLargest Welfare Programs: 1,281stMost Pacifist: 1,314thMost Inclusive: 1,380thMost Rebellious Youth: 1,798thMost Developed: 1,866thMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 2,015thTop
Most Compassionate Citizens: 2,071stHighest Average Tax Rates: 2,097thMost Influential: 2,126thMost Extensive Public Healthcare: 2,412thMost World Assembly Endorsements: 2,482ndLongest Average Lifespans: 3,006thSmartest Citizens: 3,209thLargest Governments: 3,304thHighest Foreign Aid Spending: 3,358thHealthiest Citizens: 3,681stHighest Poor Incomes: 5,090thMost Valuable International Artwork: 5,703rdMost Cultured: 5,748thLargest Publishing Industry: 6,554thHighest Economic Output: 6,977thSafest: 7,840thLowest Crime Rates: 7,902ndNicest Citizens: 8,884thLeast Corrupt Governments: 9,032ndMost Advanced Public Transport: 9,515thTop
Highest Workforce Participation Rate: 10,921stMost Efficient Economies: 13,409thMost Secular: 13,986thMost Income Equality: 14,125thLargest Populations: 14,152ndHighest Average Incomes: 15,235thMost Subsidized Industry: 16,302ndHighest Drug Use: 20,122nd
Most Eco-Friendly Governments: 12th in the regionMost World Assembly Endorsements: 23rd in the regionMost Influential: 29th in the regionMost Beautiful Environments: 30th in the regionMost Advanced Public Education: 34th in the regionBest Weather: 47th in the regionMost Inclusive: 53rd in the regionMost Popular Tourist Destinations: 54th in the regionLargest Welfare Programs: 65th in the regionMost Pacifist: 65th in the regionMost Rebellious Youth: 69th in the regionTop
Most Developed: 86th in the regionMost Compassionate Citizens: 92nd in the regionMost Politically Apathetic Citizens: 93rd in the regionHighest Average Tax Rates: 114th in the regionMost Extensive Public Healthcare: 132nd in the regionSmartest Citizens: 149th in the regionLongest Average Lifespans: 159th in the regionLargest Governments: 164th in the regionMost Valuable International Artwork: 197th in the regionHealthiest Citizens: 203rd in the regionHighest Foreign Aid Spending: 208th in the regionHighest Poor Incomes: 265th in the regionMost Cultured: 317th in the regionHighest Economic Output: 341st in the regionMost Stationary: 353rd in the regionLargest Publishing Industry: 356th in the regionMost Income Equality: 371st in the regionTop
Nicest Citizens: 427th in the regionSafest: 435th in the regionHighest Drug Use: 453rd in the regionLargest Populations: 460th in the regionLowest Crime Rates: 495th in the regionLeast Corrupt Governments: 500th in the regionHighest Workforce Participation Rate: 520th in the regionMost Advanced Public Transport: 674th in the regionMost Efficient Economies: 678th in the regionMost Secular: 766th in the region

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