The Holy Theocratic Kingdom of Messalie is a colossal, orderly nation, ruled by Holy Father Theophilus III of Messalia with an iron fist, and notable for its prohibition of alcohol, infamous sell-swords, and pith helmet sales. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, humorless, devout population of 9.368 billion messaleans are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Law & Order, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Mevania. The average income tax rate is 97.3%.

The frighteningly efficient messalean economy, worth a remarkable 5,047 trillion Gems of Grace a year, is fairly diversified and mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Arms Manufacturing, Retail, Uranium Mining, and Woodchip Exports. Average income is a breathtaking 538,852 Gems of Grace, but there is an enormous disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 3,034,445 per year while the poor average 47,183, a ratio of 64.3 to 1.

Messalie is increasingly belligerent on the international stage, the tomato-covered corpses that decorate the nation's cities are a favourite amongst morbid tourists, many politicians are serving jail time for minor drug offenses, and the derisively named "Morlocks of Moria" futilely demand time in the sun. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force. Messalie's national animal is the falcon, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Order of the True Faith.

Messalie is ranked 1,002^nd in the world and 3^rd in Calme Ybovien for Most Conservative, scoring 98.75 on the Bush-Santorum Dawning Terror Index.