by Max Barry

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by The Community of New Periapsis. . 30 reads.

Joke Protocols

Abstract:
During the course of over 60 years following Project Safe House's creation in 1957 (the American Cold War initiative that later became a prerequisite to the event of creating Project Koalemos, the PSUP, and eventually the nation of New Periapsis), thousands upon thousands of protocols were drafted, revised, and created with the intent to proactively have a response protocol in place for any conceivable scenario regardless of likelihood. Due to the amount of stress caused over constantly revising these expansive lists of emergency events and projecting "acceptable" death tolls, it is no surprise that a number of these protocols were created by personnel as a way to blow off steam or cope with the reality of a potential apocalyptic scenario by using a morbid sense of humor.



Scenario J-1: In the Event a Bull is Found in a China Shop
Scenario J-2: In the Event Lightning Ceases to Strike a Specific Spot Twice
Scenario J-3: In the Event a Child Trespasser Refuses to Concede to Demands to Vacate the Sod-Covered Area Located Adjacently to the Building in Which I Have Established My Residence
Scenario J-4: In the Event Someone Undergoes Spontaneous Combustion
Scenario J-5: In the Event We Get to Use Any Different Formatting
Scenario J-6: In the Event United States Senator Joseph McCarthy is Revealed to be a Communist Himself
Scenario J-7: In the Event Karl Marx is Found in Argentina
Scenario J-9: In the Event an Apocalyptic Scenario Puts Us All Out of a Job
Scenario J-11: In the Event British People Start Pronouncing the Word "Aluminum" Correctly
Scenario J-13: In the Event the Break Room Toaster Tries Controlling My Mind
Scenario J-14: In the Event a Sentient Piece of Toast With a Burnt Area on it Resembling a Biblical Figure Starts Whispering Things to the Pope Making him Think he's Schizophrenic
Scenario J-16: In the Event Our Manager Catches Onto Us Only Looking Busy
Scenario J-28: In the Event Jesus Christ Himself Actually Ascends From the Heavens Just to Roundhouse Kick Someone in the Face
Scenario J-34: In the Event Nuking Japan Twice Wasn't Enough
The Strangelove Protocol: Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
W/TF-Class: In the Event a Staff Member's Genitals Spontaneously Morph Into A Narwhal that Shoots Lasers Out of its Eyes and Eats People
J/JS-Class: In the Event Our Eyes are Real
J/SF-Class: In the Event Concrete Shoes Become a Fashion Trend
JJ-Class: In the Event That JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
AEXFLMKN-Class: In the Event My Cat Walks Across My Keyboard

The Community of New Periapsis

Edited:

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