The North Pacific First Region to Grant Zombie Citizenship
Pictured: Bobberino’s productivity has increased 250% since he no longer requires sleep or hydration to survive. Could this zombies start stealing our jobs?
MAGICALITY CITY - The Multiverse was brought to its knees over the last 24 hours as it experienced its 8th Zombie Apocalypse. While experts are unsure what exactly has caused this yearly issue, it is hypothesized by world-renown and supremely underqualified Epidemiologist Doctor McStooley that it may actually be a clever recruitment drive for the Sinker regions, which have been undead havens since their inception.
Several regions in recent years have chosen to engage in vain attempts to cure their populace, while others have dispatched death squads to cull the undead before they can multiply. The North Pacific, however, has decided to take a new approach. In a surprise announcement this morning, the North Pacifican government released a statement explaining that all Undead in the region had been granted full citizenship via Executive Order. This afternoon, delegate McMasterdonia gave a televised speech from his private golf course in Florida. The Bunion has included a transcript of the speech below:
Note: The Bunion is a multicultural publication whose staff is composed of various ethnicities, gender identities, and states of decay.
The Black Hawks to Open Fortnite Branch
Pictured: Preliminary design for the Black Hawks’ Fortnite Branch flag.
THE NEST - Change is afoot in premier raider region The Black Hawks, as plans have been unveiled for the region’s next great undertaking: the opening of a branch in Fortnite. Whole move was viewed by some as controversial, the Council of Hawks is confident that the decision will only served to bolster their morale and ranks, as well as provide the region with a much needed boost in salt production.
The Bunion sat down for an interview in the Battle Bus with the Hawks’ brand new Overseer of Slurp Juice, Miss Bad Life Choices. It should be noted that MBLC gave this entire interview whilst flossing and playing music from an unknown source.
MBLC: You better make this quick. The storm is coming in a minute or so.
TB: Okay. For starters, what gave TBH the idea for this new branch?
MBLC: Truth be told, we had been looking for opportunities to expand for sometime. Fortnite seemed like the most obvious choice, compared to NationStates.
TB: Could you elaborate on how the two are related? Like, at all?
MBLC: The blatant political undertones, of course.
TB: Wh- never mind. Next question. What makes you think that the Black Hawks, a raider region, will be able to transition smoothly into a battle royale?
MBLC: Well, I personally think that the formula is the same. It’s all about the timing, ya know? You get in, you mess stuff up, and you move onto the next thing. It’s basically tag raiding with extra steps. Or we plan to make it that way, at least. We’re going to spell “Join the Black Hawks!” In wooden paneling on every map.
TB: Do you think raiders will thank the bus driver?
MBLC: Absolutely not. We have reason to believe he works for the Grey Wardens.
TB: Probably. Last question. What do you say to all the people out there who believe that this was a bad move on the part of the Black Hawks.
Tensions High as Retirement Enforcement Agency Closes on Cormactopia
Pictured: Cormac’s well-hidden Thalassia home.
KANALOA - Retirement Enforcement Agency authorities believe they have located notorious kingpin Cormactopia Prime, who recently committed his 14th escape from retirement by digging a tunnel under the NSGP Gameplay forums. REA Personnel have surrounded a residence in Thalassia and are awaiting a special team for retrieval.
Cormactopia is a well known repeat-offender, having retired and escaped several times in the last year alone. He was been spotted earlier this year in Osiris attempted to pass himself off as a mummy, but his disguise failed to fool REA agents. He was then spotted in Pacifica having ascended to the presidency disguised as actor Scott Eastwood. He fled pacifica with a band of merry criminals in tow, eventually reaching nearby Thalassia.
The Bunion reached out to REA acting Director Malphe, who had this to say:
Q: Dear the Bunion,
Long time reader, first time writer. Mostly because this advice column didn’t exist before this issue. I’m writing you because I’m having a problem [Editor’s Note: duh?]. I am from a small UCR with a dedicated base of active players. We’re trying to become more relevant in GP, but it feels like our progress is constipated. We tried to hold our first region the other day, but we couldn’t hold it. The whole thing was a real bum deal. Nothing seems to be enough to really make us blow up after that total embarrassment. What can we do to put this whole messy incident behind us?
Unbroken Winds, Dominion of Fartarus
Dear Unbroken Winds,
Sounds like you're in a really crappy situation. It stinks that you're having a difficult time during the early stages of your region. In times like these, you need all the support you can get. Be it from well-established regions or other minnows like yourself. Silence is deadly. If you're unable to garner the attention and/or support of anyone, you're going to have a smell of a time with recruitment, advertisment, and other crucial steps for your region, in other words — you're pooped.
Don't let one failed raid get you down. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to toot your own horn in the future. I, myself very well understand the disappointment that you're currently feeling. I'm sure this raid has left you feeling gassy and vulnerable. I get it. Some days things don't go as planned for me and I feel bummed out and consider giving up. Don't feel like a lo(o)ser. All you can do is prepare yourself for failure again, train for a long, rigorous period of time, and try again. Flush and repeat.
Well, it seems to me like you need numbers. Everyone knows that in this game, the most important weapon to have at your side is large amounts of people. You can be a charismatic, scheming, manipulative ~~failed~~ couper of TEP all you want, but at the end of the day you need numbers. Pilers win piles, and until you can recruit enough lackeys to do your bidding the best way to add to your endocount is by working with other people.
I know *just* the people.
Some players concern themselves with morals but, as we went over literally last paragraph, numbers are more important than that. Keep up, please. Sticking with what we'll call the "whitelisted crowd" is fine if you want to lose or stall out like every org that exists right now- or you could tap into the, erm, untapped potential of a different sphere.
Why not invite the Invaders for an op or two? They've seemingly hordes of people (or the same person multying- we'll get to that strategy in a second) chanting Gest Is Best enough to stay more relevant than TRI ever was, and you could use them. Maybe Gest is Best- best for your org's ops that is. Other candidates for this list of morality devoid sources of strength are:
-That "Ghost Division" I keep hearing about
-Telling Yunofam that your target likes Tim
-Pretending to be DEN so people join
At the end of the day, you have to decide what's more important to you: morals or numbers?
*Hint, it's numbers.*