by Max Barry

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by The Holy Empire of The united american-isreali empire. . 1 reads.

Don’t Puff on Me, Say Non-Smokers

The Issue
There is a growing call within The united american-isreali empire to abolish smoking in public areas.

The Debate
“I’m in full support of this motion,” says man on the street Gary Nygma. “I’m sick of being stuck behind smokers, sucking in their pollution! They can light up in the privacy of their own homes, if they want.”

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“What’s so special about their homes?” says anti-smoking campaigner William Ungar. “The government has a responsibility to stop people from hurting themselves — it’s the same reason we should make them wear seat belts in cars. Sooner or later, they end up in one of The united american-isreali empire’s hospitals, sucking on taxpayer-funded healthcare. Not that that’s why we should ban smoking. We should ban it because we care.”

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“Get your hands off my fag!” wheezes long-time smoker Caesar Claus. “I’ve been smoking for fifty years and it’s never done me any harm. Helps me concentrate, it does! The government should back off on trying to tell me what I can put into my own body. Telling a smoker he can’t light up in a restaurant is discrimination, pure and simple. If you want to put a stop to unfairness, stop that.”

Accept

Citizens polled. Media probed. Headlines gathered.

The Talking Point
Eight-year-olds can be seen lighting up in public areas.

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