by Max Barry

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by The Gap Jump of Mushroom Gorge. . 338 reads.

Old paintings with captions

"Let's see... I'll have the double bacon cheeseburger with extra onions."

"...And I'm putting vending machines in the cafeteria!"

"You don't have to make your signature that big, John."

"Okay, so I point at the paper, and that's it?"

"Which of you three put their enlisting name as Indie Pendance?"

"Listen Betsy, it's great, but I was thinking of something more like yellow-green-purple, you know what I'm saying?"

"Those idiots! They thought it was a Nerf fight!"

"Give me plastic straws or give me death!"

"Yeah, he's got a musket ball in his lung, but I think he might be okay."

"Ok class, say thank you to Mr. Henderson!"

"What were we doing again?"

"He's about to sign it all away."

"Watch out for that hole, Samuel."

"Should I wave my hat around like it's a rodeo?"

"You know what, we don't want this hill anymore, you can just take it."

"I might ask you the same question!"

"I left my phone in the car, didn't I?"

"You might want to get some new knickers, Anthony."

"They stole my 5-Hour Energy. Go get 'em."

"You're in the wrong room, good Sir."

"Well, one thing leads to another, and suddenly I've got a mass of quails around me."

"Here go our best naval forces! That's why you always check if there's a gas leak, Stuart!"

"Would you all mind quieting down so I can watch the game?"

"Are you putting my name on the census too, Mom?"

"Can't you see I'm writing?"

"Dear Diary..."

"I knew something was up with this mirror."

"Just act causal, Sebastian."

"You know what, I'm glad Mom signed me up for badminton practice."

"Darn you kids!"

"Frisky, remember what happened to Frankie when he attacked Pete?"

"Well it's just, I really like you, and..."

"Who's the idiot who forgot to turn his ringer off?"

"I swear I didn't do it!"

"Yes Grandpa, we all know you're praying, but we were wondering who would pay the gas bill this month."

"I thank The Lord for taking away Anacletus II so that I can become the next pope."

"Wake up, Philippe. Or maybe you don't want to go to Louisworld today."

"No Charles, it's her fault for not strapping on the handle correctly."

"What? I'm just... tuning my guitar."

"I gotta go to the bathroom, Mr. Ayscough."

"One... two..."

"This'll show them 'seedless watermelon' folks how we do it here."

"Be strong, Jeremy, be strong for mother."
Credit: Baloo Kingdom

"You know what, a subway system would really give this village some more pizzazz."

"I don't care how icy the river is, there's an In-n-Out Burger on the other side."

"Hey, what do you know? Directions to the nightclub."

"Yes, I understand sir, but if you get the monthly warranty now, you won't have to pay as much if the engine fails-- but not that it would, of course."

"Well Gregory, all I'm saying is that I don't really know if he's real."

"I knew this wizardry job was a bad choice..."

(gasps) "It's possible to synthesize excited bromine in an argon matrix!"

"But what if we made it out of Legos?"

"Ok, so now we're gonna learn jousting."

"It was her!"

"Well, it's not easy being a John Kerry lookalike."

"Sheesh, there goes James the Magician again, with his disappearing trick..."

"Oh God, I don't look like that, do I?"

"Marie, do you mind?"

"Hmmm, so now that I have my portrait made, there's 999,999 things I haven't done."

"I just can't believe it! I bet all my life savings on Ohio State!"

"Could you pass the beef jelly?"

"I really don't care about the games, I'm only watching it so I can learn everything about the latest Toyotathon."

"Do you like it? I call it 'The Streets of Austin After Losing to Abilene Christian'."

"God Warren, you really suck at painting."

(Whistling) "Nothing to see here..."

"I'm gone for 5 minutes to make a phone call and I come back to see this!?!?"

"Now that I think about it, maybe I'm just way too bad at this to exaggerate my image."

"No, Christopher, that's a legal move. It's called en passant."

"Hey James, were you the one who invited the guy over there painting us?"

"I'm such an idiot for believing there really was a toga party."

"Good. Now that we're seiging, could you fetch me some coffee?"

"Hmm, what rhymes with 'celery'?"

"Okay, how about I give you 50 bucks if you climb up that tower?"

"Do you are me to swim across?"

"You know Mary, you could help out once in a while."

"Hey Martha, I had an extra flash drive so I decided that I'd give it to you."

"Ok, I'm sorry I brought up the election at Thanksgiving!"

"Vladdy was snubbed!"

"This is the biggest and best yard sale yet! Come on down to 535 Moore Avenue..."

"You know what I keep thinking about? You know the end of Butch Cassidy? Redford and Newman are almost out of ammunition, and the whole Bolivian army is out in front of this little hut?"

"This is the recipe for my Shepherd's Pie I make each Christmas. Make sure to keep it safe."

"First we take Switzerland, and then God Himself!"

"Alright Sir Bond, are you ready to tell us everything yet?"

"I promise I'll be back soon, Jeremy. The DMV called and they've got my personalized license plates for the buggy!"

"Napoleon, we need to do something about this height difference."

"Oh come on, I just woke up, Jeff!"

"Hello Danny. Come play with us."

"We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue!"

This is the second rendition of this magical dispatch, snas undertael!
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