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by Funkadelia. . 311 reads.

Lazarene Gazette: August 2017 Issue - Vapid Observations

The Lazarene Gazette - August 2017

A Note From the Editor: Greetings! It's been a while since the last publishing of the Gazette. It's been almost a year now! We're all really happy to finally be able to present this issue to you as we commit ourselves to publishing regular issues of the Gazette. Thanks for reading.

Theme Change Breathes New Life Into Lazarus

By Funkadelia

After some discussion amongst the wandering souls of Lazarus, an agreement has been made to form a new government, an Undead Dominion. This new style makes some drastic changes in regional governance to ensure more stable and steady leadership. The new Constitution debated by these wandering souls was very well received and eventually passed, finally uniting these souls in an unholy pact to unify their voices and provide balance to the realm of Lazarus. The new agreement provides for a strong government that is resistant to the sort of entryism that has been utilized to undermine Lazarus’ sovereignty, and takes a fierce stand for fighting against errant cosmopolitanism that endangered Lazarus’ security in the not so distant past. The new agreement also takes a strong stand against fascism, which is something that the ghosts and ghouls of Lazarus all agreed has no place in Lazarus. One Lazarus goblin told The Lazarene Gazette that the new mandate put in place is something that was soundly agreed to by the souls of Lazarus and that she personally believed that it establishes a strong form of governance that will stand for inclusivity, stability, and a safe place to practice the dark arts.



Diagnosis - Legally Dead
By Drall

Looming above the gloomy swamps and dark bogs, the Spectral Castle of the Dominion rises from the ground like the horns of some ancient beast, long dead. A thick fog shrouds the gates and lower levels, pierced only occasionally by some dim light from inside. Drifting closer, one might hear the clickety-clack of skeletal scribes, scratching at their papers with a deathly focus. Far above the lowly scribes, situated in the soaring heart of the Castle, sits the High Sepulchre. Five scum from the cellars sit ‘round a pitted old table, crafting the law of the land. From this room sprang the wicked and horrid Unholy Cathedrals of Corruption and War. The first is tasked with the ignoble duties of spreading its corruption and filth to all, so they may rot in sin till time immemorial. Its gruesome Necromancer has yet to be chosen, but several have put themselves forward with willingness to serve. As for Cathedral of War, its dark and glorious message shall be spread to the enemies of the realm like a plague by our fashionable, top hat sporting Necromancer Tom. But lo, let us not forget the beating heart of the Castle! The Meeting Grounds of the Citizens have bustle with the dead long past the witching hour, citizens hashing and rehashing the most minute points of law imaginable! A vast debate has sprung up over the matter of impossibly precise term lengths, and a passion of the undead residents of the Dominion has been found. A love of numbers has enraptured the skulls of the spectral realm, with 121 days being favored, but with months and dates and calendars galore dancing ‘round the grounds! Spectral though the Sepulchre and citizens may be, their words can be heard across the realm, activity abounding amongst the legally dead.



Tubbius Sighting - Is His Rotundity Becoming Less Rotund?
By Funkadelia

TREADWELLIA

Last week in Treadwellia, their leader, the Great and Benevolent Tubbius, was spotted out in public with his wife, Mrs. Tubbius, and their young children strapped in their custom-built stroller for two, waddling to their favorite bakery to consume their daily allotment of cookies, cakes, doughnuts, and other baked goods. However, according to one Treadwellian, the Great Corpulence seems to have shed a few pounds this summer. “I seen it with my own eyes,” the anonymous Treadwellian told the Gazette. “I tellsya! He’s less roly poly, and now he looks more like a pear! I swear, the big man’s gettin’ a little smaller, it must be the summer heat and all the walking!”

The Gazette went to speak to Tubbius himself to confirm the story. As our reporter approached Tubbius just outside of his residence, The Bellies, Tubbius’ personal bodyguards who look more like human grapes than bodyguards due to their formal purple uniforms, took their positions and huddled around Tubbius to protect him from the perceived threat. After our reporter shouted that we were only seeking to ask him some questions about food, a muffled “mmph MMPH!” was heard through the group of Bellies. They backed off, and Tubbius leaned in to hear our question. “Mr. Tubbius, is it true that you’ve been slimming down this summer?” Tubbius looked at our reporter quizzingly, and replied with “MMPH mmph mmph MMPH mmph.” This, we’re told, means “Of course not! I work hard to keep my beautiful figure. I make sure that every day, I have my proper intake of bread, pastries, and potato chips, and I quickly rectify when I am below my recommended calorie intake!” He said this as he flashed a small chart at us that he had produced from his pocket with rudimentary drawings of cookies, pasta, and pizza on it. We weren’t able to ask any more questions of Tubbius before he was shuffled away by his grape-looking bodyguards. While our investigation into the matter didn’t turn up much definitive proof of the matter, all we can say is that the great and corpulent Tubbius is certainly much bigger than any normal man we’ve seen before, so there’s really no way for an outsider to tell whether Tubbius is, in fact, ball shaped or pear shaped. All we do know for sure is that there is no way we could never manage to eat the Treadwellian diet!



Why I’m Leaving The Resistance
By Vapid

About a month and a half ago, I joined Lazarus, invited by Tom. I had no idea Lazarus was on the brink of a Civil War, I just genuinely wanted to participate in a GCR. My experience in TSP had left me jaded to GCRs as a whole, and I wanted to see if Lazarus was any better. My first day there, I encountered a fight in the citizens’ sanctum in the Lazarus discord server between Funk supporters and the Resistance. I don’t recall the subject, but I remember hearing crickets when I saw Ark’s mask being changed from “Archbishop” to “Citizen”. It was then, I suppose, I became opposed to Funk’s government.

I was invited by Ike to the Resistance server some time later, after I signed a document which said I opposed Funk’s actions. There, we planned to make the government new, after we removed Funk, who we saw as a threat to democracy in Lazarus. Of course, Funk eventually banjected guardians, leading to the issue we are now in the midst of. I remember the early days on that server, so lively, so hopeful, so organized.

Now, we sit entrenched in a month-long resistance effort, and I have had to ask myself: is what is happening worth my time? Is it worth the folks around me’s time? The answer to that is “no”. I want to call for the resistance to follow my steps. Let me explain.

For weeks and months, our leadership has assured us they have a plan. But what do these plans entail? Attrition runs of 10 people that just one member of the pentarchy can eject? A possible intervention from TITO should we just reach a small enough gap? They have remained in silence for too long, and no one questions it. The answer, of course, is that there is no plan, except that perhaps we can pester natives long enough.

As someone who is a member of other regions, I am ashamed to be a member of the resistance in those regions. We, not Funkadelia, are known as the bad guys. Why? We spam the forums with multiple threads, all about things no one cares about. We fight the same fights over and over again. We spam out the dispatch page with our useless interviews with the same people.

Furthermore, our government is a government over nothing. There have been preliminary efforts to establish a region, but Lazarene Exiles is essentially a mere puppet region where we can all sit until the effort in Lazarus is complete. I have talked with people about establishing a new region, and I would say that this is now the resistance’s best bet: make a new region where the community can grow while in stasis, instead of forming a government out of the pity of sympathizers in Lazarus, who grow fewer and fewer by the day.

Finally, I am not impressed by the tactics the resistance has been using: repeatedly telegramming natives, making lists of “meat puppets” of whom some are legitimate players, planting fake natives themselves in Lazarus, making low-quality, immature memes about Funkadelia and co, etc. It’s all repulsive, and I will not deny that I have had a part in some of it. However, this has violated my good conscience, and I will continue no longer.

I have DMed this to Funkadelia, on the suggestion of C.S. Colbert, to make a point: I want to return to being a constructive part of Lazarus, and the Resistance cannot do that. Can a blind man lead a blind man? I want this to be a wakeup call: I’m not just a raider, I’m someone who wants to have a positive impact on a community he promised to help. The Resistance will not win in the short term, and most likely not in the long term, and I can’t justify being a part of that. They should either call it quits or establish their own region where they can continue the Government in Exile ad infinitum. I expect I’ll be met with a lot of criticism, but I’m fine with that.

I hereby renounce the Resistance and my rebellion against King Funkadelia and the Undead Dominion of Lazarus.

Funkadelia

Edited:

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