by Max Barry

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by The Obesotocracy of Treadwellia. . 1,082 reads.

The Tubbius Royal Family

The Tubbius Royal Family, at present, consists of many individuals and one pet.

Tubbius: Known by a string of titles all describing His girth, Tubbius the Rotund and Benevolent is many centuries old. Physically speaking, He is just below average height at 5'4", and He and Mrs. Tubbius are both exorbitantly corpulent, with both Royal Rotundities normally matching at 2,025 pounds. He has an enormous, bosom-covering snowy white beard, tiny little blue eyes lost in doughy sockets, and thick eyeglasses. Despite His age and size, His Immensity maintains perfect health and mobility due to what is known as the Tubbius Magic, a form of divine power that keeps all members of the family locked at the ages They choose and in wonderful condition overall. A side effect of the Tubbius Magic is that Tubbius and all of His male descendants speak in an unusual string of wheezy, "Mmph mmph MMPH mmph!" language that native Treadwellian hearers seem to automatically understand despite the nonsensical noise of it. His biography has leaked some noteworthy points. Tubbius once lived as a medieval toymaker and mayor of a small town, marrying Mrs. Tubbius and fathering their first ten children long before the acceptance of the Tubbius Magic and the changing of Their names to Tubbius and Mrs. Tubbius. Therefore, those early children were completely mortal, not possessed of their parents' immortality, and they ultimately passed away. However, those losses have not stopped the eternally elderly parents from continuing Their efforts to have a large family, as noted below.

One other notable biographical bit about Tubbius is that He is something of an amateur actor, starring in the lead role of Pinky Piggy Porker from Treadwellia's top children's program: Pinky the Portly Piggy. In addition, His Immensity has a supporting role on the soap opera The Round and The Voluminous as international doughnut chain magnate Beauregard Ellery O'Leary. Tubbius is also, at least in Treadwellia, believed to be of divine nature, being the head of the Church of Tubbius, which encourages excessive gluttony and laziness of its faithful. Lastly, rumors in Treadwellia hold His Rotundity to be, in secret, Santa Claus. If nothing else, the rather round monarch does indeed resemble a much fatter version of that jolly saint, and still more rumors hold that on certain years a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer has been seen leaving the royal palace at midnight on Christmas Eve. In fact, some tightly guarded secrets regarding The Tubbius Magic (see corresponding Factbook entry) certainly prove as much.

As of July 26, 2019, Tubbius begun to manifest a peculiar development to His Tubbius Magic powers. He started being able to control the weather in Treadwellia, enveloping the entire kingdom, except for roads and driveways and walkways, in several feet of gently fallen snow. No structures in the kingdom are ending up with unbearable weight on them from the precipitation, and the temperature is staying suitably cold to keep the snow from melting. Is Treadwellia destined to be a second winter wonderland for Mr. and Mrs. Claus to enjoy?

Mrs. Tubbius: Known as "Her Maternity" and "Treadwellia's Great Mother" to the people of Treadwellia, the snowy-haired, equally short, almost equally fat, equally old wife to Tubbius is well-known for Her fecundity, a legendary gift enabled in Her by the Tubbius Magic. This gift extends to blessing other would-be mothers, as well, a gift that Tubbius appears to share. Despite Her very advanced age and weight, Mrs. Tubbius has no trouble bearing new children or feeding the ones She has, even while carrying upcoming siblings. Like Her husband, Mrs. Tubbius is possessed of a jolly demeanor, and She and the women of the kingdom have an unusual speech pattern, coming across as a giggly "Hrm HRM hrm hrm" to the listener. Like Tubbius, Mrs. Tubbius has a starring role in Pinky the Portly Piggy as Mrs. Pinky Piggy Porker, mother of Pinky's fat little piglets, as well as The Round and the Voluminous' Lavinia "Vinnie" Elizabeth O'Leary. Mrs. Tubbius also serves as the primary celebrity spokesperson for the Tubbabies maternity wear chain, even when She is not currently carrying any children.

As of the finding of The Lost Fold of the Mommy in an old Tubbian temple on September 14, 2018, Mrs. Tubbius now shares a spiritual connection with all Tubbian mothers-to-be that reflects itself through a permanent appearance and feeling as if greatly pregnant with seven children. This connection signifies and displays proudly how Her Maternity divinely eases a little of Her daughters' burdens by assisting in carrying them Herself. While Her Fecundity never actually delivers these infants, She is certainly completely aware of their existence from conception through birth, and she feels and endures a sympathetic form of labor if She is around a mother-to-be who begins delivery.

Due to an accident caused by Tubbius on November 18, 2023, Mrs. Tubbius gained an immediate 50 pounds, putting her at 2,075, and experienced an immediate growth of the five boys and two girls She carries that were originally due on Tubbgiving. Now, She says, they will come out on Christmas. Dr. Biggenbottom-Tubbius is certainly not amused.

Baby Tubbius and Sister Tubbius: These are the first two family infants in recent years. Baby Tubbius is the firstborn, a rather fat baby boy born June 22, 2015. Sister Tubbius is the prince's little sister, born February 1, 2017. These two infants possess the Tubbius Magic, just like Their parents. All members of the Tubbius family, as part of the Magic, can choose what age to stay at eternally. Baby Tubbius made His decision at about six months, and Sister Tubbius at about one month. Therefore, despite their ages, They both look as They did when They made Their respective choices--apart from gaining weight over time to be the fattest little butterball infants possible, of course.

Brother Tubbius and Daughter Tubbius: Two twin siblings, a boy and a girl, were born to the happy family on December 25, 2017--Christmas, a fitting date for a man who might just be Santa Claus in disguise. The circumstances of conception were extraordinary: conceived barely a month after the birth of Sister Tubbius, their creation was believed miraculous proof that the Tubbius Magic could counteract the basics of pregnancy and biology in its ability to ensure that Mrs. Tubbius is something of a fertility goddess of Her own right.

Boy Tubbius, Girl Tubbius, and Fatty Tubbius: Barely a week after the most recent delivery on Christmas 2017, it seems that the Treadwellian royals simply could not contain themselves and that the Tubbius Magic worked very quickly in restoring Mrs. Tubbius to full health. Doctor Biggenbottom-Tubbius announced to them (and His Immensity announced to the world) that as of January 1, 2018, Her Maternity was apparently back in business being an upcoming mother again. What was initially assumed to be a single baby was ultimately proven, on an actual examination, to be three--Her Motherhood's first case of triplets to date, consisting of a boy and two girls.

The three very plump triplets were born two days earlier than expected on September 29, 2018. Boy came first, then Girl, and then the biggest of the three: girl Fatty. While all three are showing the usual lack of aging for Tubbius family babies, locking them in at about a month old, Fatty Tubbius, as of October 29, 2018, experienced her first Tubbius Magic surge on her one month birthday, leading to her putting on two pounds overnight and waking up in a diaper too small. In response to this, and following the advice of His wife and doctor, His Immensity has tapped into the Tubbius Magic to take on these two pounds Himself, as well as any other potential weight that Fatty might gain through such Tubbius Magic surges.

Augustus Tubbius: Conceived Thanksgiving night of 2018, this boy was kept a secret from his father until Christmas. He is destined to be second biggest in the family, after the first born Baby Tubbius. Originally due in August, per his name, a Tubbius Magic Surge in Mrs. Tubbius on May 18, 2019, found him suddenly grown to nearly full term, his due date being pushed to match the June 1 birthday of his parents.

MORE: Barely two weeks after the birth of Augustus, as of June 15, 2019, Tubbius and Mrs. Tubbius' efforts led to yet another pregnancy for Her Maternity, defying normal biological prohibitions against such. The only clue She gave either Tubbius or Dr. Biggenbottom-Tubbius is that there were "MORE" children. There ended up being a total of seven, six of which were apparently the reincarnations of the first six children whom Tubbius and Mrs. Tubbius ever had together. The first time around, those six were born completely mortal and ordinary; now, with their portly parents being fully invested with the Tubbius Magic, Egbert, Gwendolyn, Frederick, Gabriel, Gertrude, and Harvell, along with their remaining sibling brother Tubbaby, who as a newborn has emerged being even bigger than his eldest brother Baby, join their many other nursery mates as being eternally unaging infants.

Even MORE: There were five more bouncing infants born December 19, 2020. Names have been carefully held back from the Tubbian public, but they are four girls and one boy, bringing the total to twenty.

Still MORE: Ten more little ones were born to the Royal Rotundities in early 2022. As of March 25, 2022, though, more came for Christmas. The following February 2023 saw the creation of even more to come: five boys and two girls! They are, due to a magical mishap, due on Christmas instead of the original Tubbgiving.

Doggy Tubbius: Doggy is a fluffy, small, gray and brown puppy mutt that Tubbius blessed with the Tubbius Magic to ensure eternal youth and fitting fleshiness. Doggy Tubbius tends to stay, quite loyally, next to his master, being a happy little ball of joy and fur since his rescue from being lost and unfed.

Langley Tubbius: Older brother to His Immensity and rarely seen alongside Him, Langley is Tubbius' right hand in managing the affairs and missionary efforts of the Church of Tubbius. Immortal and very nearly as bushy-bearded and rotund as Tubbius Himself (at a respectably stout 1,150 pounds, with 50 of that gained on The Day of Mmphs and Hrms), though not seen as divine in his own right, Langley serves His Corpulence with all due gentleness and reverence. His very dedicated missionary efforts often lead to surges in the Tubbius Magic that sustains his baby brother and his sister-in-law. These surges more often than not lead to Their putting on considerable amounts of fatty weight in short time as Their bodies adapt to needing to contain the extra magic somewhere, and fat cells just happen to be the ideal storage solutions for Tubbius Magic.

Biggenbottom-Tubbius, Alvin Humperdink, M.D.: A gray-haired, very portly man who is the personal physician for a royal family that is kept in perfect health by the Tubbius Magic, Dr. Biggenbottom-Tubbius finds great humor in how his charges have reached truly exorbitant sizes yet show no ill effects, particularly for Mrs. Tubbius, who maintains the ability to conceive, carry, and birth children apparently on demand due to the Tubbius Magic. His job is, therefore, an easy one, as he has no other clients. He is paid very well by the royal family for his services. His wife, Martha, is also round and aged. Despite this fact, the two approached Tubbius and Mrs. Tubbius in September, 2017, requesting a Tubbian fertility blessing. They received more than they bargained for; a healthy boy and girl, Tubbius and Tubbia, were born safely to their mother June 25, 2018. On April 4, 2018, Alvin was personally blessed by Tubbius, being given his first infusion of the Tubbius Magic, resulting in his feeling The Hunger and taking on priestly vows under Tubbius Himself. That same afternoon, Alvin and Martha, as well as their unborn babies, were further invested with the Magic and The Hunger, making them, officially, part of the Tubbius family (with the right, if they wish, to go by Biggenbottom-Tubbius or just Tubbius for their last names). Both the doctor and beloved wife, who are now legally brother and sister to Tubbius and to His older brother Langley, are ballooning out quite nicely even beyond their naturally sizable girths. However, these Tubbian vows were eventually backed out of, with the doctor's having returned to a grumpy, exasperated take on Tubbian sizes. This was not to last, however. As of September, 2023, Alvin is again rapidly gaining weight, this time per an accidental infusion of Tubbius Magic. On gaining his first forty new pounds in less than a week (reaching 740), this second infusion has led to him changing his mind completely about his charges and their weight gain. Now fully committing to and expressing a desire to be the biggest Tubbian he can be, he has received an unprecedented third gift of Tubbius Magic, a triple dose all at once, to set him to growing quickly to catch up to his adopted brother/distant uncle Langley. . . and potentially blow past him. In a renewed show of love and appreciation, Alvin has now taken to putting aside his past grumpiness and warmly calling Tubbius "Grampa" or "Grampa Tubby." By October 14, 2023, he ballooned further, reaching his newest peak of 900 pounds--or, in Tubbian terms, nine Tubbs. However, Alvin has taken to stress eating as of late (November 2023) due to being admittedly unnecessarily worried over Mrs. Tubbius' latest pregnancy and over his own being a father-to-be again. Only a week from Tubbgiving, he is already a half Tubb larger (950 pounds) with no signs of slowing as he devours Tubbian doughnuts constantly. As of the end of January, 2024, Alvin has hit his tenth Tubb.

Biggenbottom-Tubbius, Martha: Wife to Dr. Alvin Biggenbottom-Tubbius, Martha is a fat, older woman possessed of plentiful pudginess, gray hair, and a desperate urge to be a mother. After many failed attempts, a planned meeting with Tubbius saw the fertility blessing and subsequent pregnancy she long desired, resulting in the births of Tubbius and Tubbia. Martha has put on significant weight on joining the family, gaining to 450 on The Day of Mmphs and Hrms, then to 475 over the summer of 2019, and now rounding off to 575 as of the end of December, 2021. Like Her Gravidity, her gains are tied to Martha's having fallen pregnant on the same night as Mrs. Tubbius' conception of MORE babies. Martha birthed one daughter, Tubbiam.

As of September 2, 2023, Martha has been potently blessed by her "Grammy" Tubbius to be extraordinarily fertile, like a lesser version of Her Maternity, in preparation to match her growing husband and her desire for a big family. She learned in early October that she and Alvin will be parents again around early June.

Jellybelly-Tubbius, Myron: Myron is a friend of Tubbius Himself and has been for some years. This white-bearded, elderly bachelor is the manager of Piggy Cliff Mall and serves as its professional Santa Claus during Treadwellian Christmas in July festivities and at times when His Immensity is unavailable. After a special, personal blessing from The Fattest Father, Myron has been happily stuffing Himself on sweets, quickly packing on flesh to round off to a baggy-bottomed, especially stout 925 pounds as of the end of December, 2021. Myron shares Tubbius' love of chocolate doughnuts, in particular, enjoying boxes of them daily.