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News Update: 04/09/18
Sweaty Crucisian teenagers were collected into the Grand Palazzio of the Civitas Dei. Hundreds of powerful computers littered the ballroom with dozens of nerds in glasses fixated upon computer screens and fueled by Mountain Dew.
After several hours and a couple of D&D breaks, the teenagers managed to fool the Cheesus Moon Laser into triangulating incorrect coordinates. Unfortunately, the TEEC had realized that the Signum Crucisians had succesfully hacked and fooled the Laser and quickly hustled to recalibrate the weapons system.
The Crucisians then immediately fired the weapon planning to overload it before it could retriangulate on the Civitas Dei and the weapon fired on the Earth, missing the Civitas Dei by hundreds of miles.
More unfortunately, the Laser Beam obliterated the Dycetrolux Federal Bank and left a gaping wound in its economy where auditors and thieves alike scourged the Dycetroluz Bank.
Luckily, the Moon Beam has been temporarily overloaded and the Signum Crucisians have created a new National Holiday in celebration of Pope Alexander VI. Further, Mrs. Butterworth is being cloned to produce more top tier Crucisian Whole Milk.
By the absolute authority claimed by our glorious leader; Emperor Lucius Gruyère Balbus IV, The Second Supreme Gouda of The Empire of The Empire of Utopian Cheese, has issued the following offer of peace with all powers and sovereignties commanded by him.
As the Second Supreme Gouda and voice of our glorious nation...
Read More Here...
As the Second Supreme Gouda and voice of our glorious nation, it saddens to me to see the destruction wrought by my predecessor, and I seek to end the war with our neighbors, the Holy Empire of Signum Crucis. Noting that Signum Crucis has lifted the ban on cheese that made them despicable in the first place, and noting that my rule shall not be the same as my maddened predecessor, I offer the following terms of peace:
I. Acknowledging that my predecessor started this war, our one demand is this: Mrs. Butterworth, the prized dairy cow of the First Supreme Gouda, shall be returned to our nation to be kept by the Second Supreme Gouda. As a gesture of good will, Signum Crucis may keep any currently existing clones of Mrs. Butterworth, but the original must be returned to her rightful home.
II. Acknowledging his war crimes, the First Supreme Gouda, Cheesius Maximus I, has been publicly executed via Trial by Cheese. The world is made better for it.
III. The Empire of The Empire of Utopian Cheese is willing to reopen all trade with Signum Crucis.
IV. Religion shall be tolerated, though not encouraged, within our borders. Churches may not be constructed, but the faith of foreign nations shall be discussed within our borders without fear of persecution.
V. Should these peace talks succeed, The Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese shall retract its denunciation of Signum Crucis.
These peace talks shall take place on the border of our two nations between myself and Pope Alexander VI, with appropriate security arrangements made by both of our nations. It is my hope that this shall open a peaceful and fruitful dialogue between our nations, despite our differences and the actions of my predecessor.
Working towards a better future for cheese across all of Eetrador,
The Second Supreme Gouda
Emperor Lucius Gruyère Balbus IV
From the Desk of the Supreme Pontiff, His Holiness Alexander VI
Emperor Lucius Gruyère Balbus IV, Second Supreme Gouda of The Empire of The Empire of Utopian Cheese,
We the Most Supreme Pontiff do graciously accept the terms to the ceasefire...
Read more here...
Emperor Lucius Gruyère Balbus IV, Second Supreme Gouda of The Empire of The Empire of Utopian Cheese,
We the Most Supreme Pontiff do graciously accept the terms to the ceasefire. Mrs. Butterworth is well on her way to the TEEC capital via first class jet.
We are also providing the TEEC with several herds of cloned cattle as a sign of peace and mutual respect---and in solidarity for the cow epidemic that has afflicted the TEEC. As we have learned all to well, no empire should be without cheese.
We also order for the construction of The Colossus DiVaca, to commence at once, to be erected at the border of Signum Crucis and the TEEC. It will serve as a historic and monumental reminder of the unity this world may always find after conflict and in times of peace.
His Supreme Holiness, Alexander VI, Pontiff of The Civitas Dei and Holy Leader of the Signum Crucisians
The Colossus DiVaca
Artistic Rendition by Teonfilo Orsini who was later smacked over the head by Alexander VI for taking too much artistic license when he clearly instructed for two cows, not two horses
The Colossus DiVaca (literally the Colossus of the Cow) is beginning construction at the Provençal region of Signum Crucius, about 500 miles south of The Civitas Dei. A steel mesh has already been erected and is being embellished with bronze pommeling from the construction scaffolding.
The Colossus DiVaca is planned to be around 45 meters tall and to be made from 35 tons of bronze and around 150 tons of steel. The University of Provençia is also working with the project to chemically treat the bronze pommeling to prevent future discoloration.
Signum Crucius Post, The Civitas Dei
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE CIVITAS DEI, SIGNUM CRUCIS
Tuesday, The Civitas Dei
The Holy Father Alexander VI has died.
A father, a leader, a Great Teacher, and a Religious Beacon to all of us has left this world at 9:00pm this Tuesday evening. After a long life of 92 years, Alexander VI has made himself renown as one of the most influential figures in all of Eetrador. He paved the birth of our nation after the Vaeburon Exodus from Dyzistrolux and even in his time was renown for being an influential religious leader in Dyzistrolux as one of the Legacy leaders.
Born Rodrigo Borgia in Vaeburon Prime, to his father King Vaeburon, Rodrigo lived a long and pious life as a devoted religious leader. After the establishment of the Unspoken lineage and the Vaeburon Exodus, Rodrigo and pious Catholics were exiled from the nation and forced to start a new in the plains of Eetrador.
It was then that Rodrigo and the original 12 cardinals assembled as the most influential religious figures ousted from Dyzistrolux and voted for Rodrigo to be a religious leader, the Supreme Pontiff.
He took the name Alexander VI upon ascending to the papal throne, and he soon paved the way from developing a small group of rural towns into a grand world power.
Signum Crucis, literally: the sign of the cross, soon after Alexander’s election, rose from the fields so that the Crucisians would be fruitful and multiply under the guidance of the new Pope and the Lord. It was under his guidance, that Alexander ensured that a great and Catholic nation developed from what was once nothing.
Under Alexander, a state that ensured that the morals of man were never forgotten, Signum Crucius began from what was a weak, agricultural economy of few dozen millions of Ducats a year, to a thriving powerhouse of an annual 43 trillion Ducats. His was a guiding and prosperous reign.
It was Alexander VI who navigated the international relations between Just Chilling and Signum Crucius to prove that ours was the true and stronger faith. It was under Alexander VI that several parishes and cathedrals were built throughout the land for Holy Mother Church.
It was also Alexander VI who championed as an example for the people of Eetrador and who stood for the morals of God when other nations would not: when he denounced hentai and Just Chilling after a Chillin criminal was arrested and deported after being found in the Civitas Dei.
Let us not forget as well the military prowess and guidance of Alexander when the first Supreme Gouda declared war against Signum Crucis. Let us not forget his guidance as well as that of Piccolomini during the battles and arms race against the EEUC. It was Alexander that guided us through hard times and found us a better future.
Although he was known as well for his smoking of tobacco and marijuana on the veranda of the Grand Palazzo, and perhaps even for the several women he would bring into the palazzo for whatever reasons. As well as perhaps the occasional male courtesan, Alexander VI showed us all that the struggle for life everlasting was a constant one and that he was just as human as all of us, but he proved that we can all strive for more.
The Holy Chancellor will pulverize Alexander’s ring, the Holy Seal of the Fisherman, and will melt the gold to become a candle in the Papal throne room tonight. Tomorrow, there will be a processional beginning at the Cathedral Santi Angelo in Northern Civitas Dei towards the heart of the city to the Grand Papal Palazzo. The processional will end in a compulsory mass for all denizens of the Civitas Dei in the Grand Cathedral. For those who cannot attend, all televisions and public viewing screens will be broadcasting the mass. Afterwards, the Pope will be interred in the Papal Tomb in the Civitas Dei.
It is then that we will follow the rite of mourning for 7 days where all work will be suspended and daily mass and prayer are compulsory. Moreover, kissing the hand of the Pope’s statue in the Papal Tomb will also be compulsory and may be done any day after mass in the week of mourning. Every Crucisian citizen will receive an email or letter determining when they are expected at the Papal Tomb in the Civitas Dei for the pilgrimage of mourning.
Effective immediately, the cardinalatum will join in the Civitas Dei for the election of a new Pope. Where everyday we will await at 9:00pm for the white smoke that will signify the new Pope. As tradition, the cardinalatum will be locked inside with a brick barricade to ensure they fulfill their duty of choosing a new Holy Leader for the world.
Lorsch Covta and Dona Nobis Pacem
Signed,
The Holy Chancellor Raffaeli Riario Sansoni
The mandatory funeral procession in the Civitas Dei.

META: https://i.imgur.com/2YIm2az.png
Dyzistrolux has been experiencing problems with international cheese.
Due to Dyzistrolux's complete lack of interest in foreign affairs, it is unknown where exactly these hazardous cheese products came from. Dyzistrolux encourages fellow nations to be vigilant.
The Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese stands with Dyzistrolux in the wake of this disaster.
It has come to our attention that there has been an international incident regarding hazardous cheese. We stand by Dyzistrolux in urging caution against such a terrible threat. Firstly, I wish to dispel any rumors stating that the source of this hazardous cheese is our own glorious empire. Our cheese is of the highest quality, with every wheel checked for quality assurance by a 100% real, organic, and Dycetrolux-grown slave. There simply is no evidence that our nation is the source of this hazardous cheese. Should the identity of this offending nation be uncovered, our not inconsiderable army will be the first to deliver justice to these fiends. While we do not yet have concrete evidence and cannot officially condemn them for this, our scientists' preliminary test results already indicate cheese samples from Lockwoode have suspiciously high levels of narcotics.
Secondly, in order to encourage an end to this tragedy, we propose that all nations in Eetrador halt the manufacture of cheese entirely. Instead, all nations in Eetrador should import cheese confirmed to be crafted within the borders of the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese, where our quality of cheese is guaranteed to be the best in the region.
Let the Archgouda himself assure you: our cheese is to die for.
Working towards a better future for cheese across all of Eetrador,
The Archgouda
Dread Emperor Valnius Brie Berillus
Response from The Civitas Dei
Announce that effective immediately, all Signum Crucis production of cheese is to be halted AT ONCE. Any Crucisian found to be creating homemade cheese or to be importing cheese from any other nation other than the EEUC is to be arrested, excommunicated, and made to undergo a Holy Trial by Ordeal with a cauldron of papally blessed boiling ricotta.
These same conditions apply to any follower of Holy Mother Church and any foreigner found to be violating the Holy Law. Foreigners in violation are subject to the same conditions above as well as deportation by means of being made to walk from the Civitas Dei to the Signum Crucis border while being lashed with a flagellum.
In the hopes of a more Holy World,
The Most Holy Pope Emperor, Ricotta Scamorza I
We like cheese–NO WE DON'T STOP
The best leader,
Balalam Forc
Sikl Oienf
Fodent Podest
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Elgop Polge
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The Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese has established exactly what happens to cheese-hating heathens. Never again shall the phrase "Cheese is bad" be uttered.
Heathens who dared to utter the words "Cheese is bad" for all of Eetrador to hear. This could not go unpunished. However, the nation was clearly divided, and in their failure chaos was born. It would be difficult to sort out the heathens from the innocents. It is true that the Archgouda could have ordered Dycetrolux wiped off the map, but this would be a waste of free human resources. Instead, the Archgouda decided it was time for another test run of Project Utopia.
Spies, easily established within Dycetrolux, lured the inhabitants who felt that "Cheese is bad" to the capital city of F̸̭̞̝̳̖́̔ä̸̙̫͚̺̞̬̪̩̟̤̰̞́̅̈́̓̒̄̄̄̃̀̚ͅḯ̶̘̪̖̥̺̀͌́͗̒̌͠l̴̡̦̞͇͉̣̲̮̗͛͂̎̌̏̈̓̕̕͝ͅì̴̻͎̬̤͑̄̃à̷͙̆̋ by spreading the word that all cheese would be banned within the city limits, and cheese lovers were to leave immediately. Once the target was established, Project Utopia was unleashed upon F̸̭̞̝̳̖́̔ä̸̙̫͚̺̞̬̪̩̟̤̰̞́̅̈́̓̒̄̄̄̃̀̚ͅḯ̶̘̪̖̥̺̀͌́͗̒̌͠l̴̡̦̞͇͉̣̲̮̗͛͂̎̌̏̈̓̕̕͝ͅì̴̻͎̬̤͑̄̃à̷͙̆̋. Millions of heathens died on this day, and the world is made better for it. Dycetrolux is cleansed, and one step towards one day becoming something more than a total failure.
F̸̭̞̝̳̖́̔ä̸̙̫͚̺̞̬̪̩̟̤̰̞́̅̈́̓̒̄̄̄̃̀̚ͅḯ̶̘̪̖̥̺̀͌́͗̒̌͠l̴̡̦̞͇͉̣̲̮̗͛͂̎̌̏̈̓̕̕͝ͅì̴̻͎̬̤͑̄̃à̷͙̆̋ is completely annihilated by Project Utopia, cleansing the world of millions of cheese-hating heathens.
DECLARATION OF TOTAL CLEANSING FROM THE EMPIRE OF THE EMPIRE OF UTOPIAN CHEESE
As the Archgouda and voice of our glorious nation, it has come to our attention that one of our neighbors, the Failure of Dycetrolux, has not been completely Cleansed of cheese-hating heretics. It is therefore my solemn duty to enact the only solution to this crime. The Final Solution: all of Dycetrolux must be Cleansed from Eetrador. The depths of their failure is such that we will never be truly certain that every cheese hating heretic has been Cleansed until their last citizen has been wiped out.
As such, the following policies shall take place effective immediately:
I. Regretfully, our Dycetrolux-grown slaves in charge of cheese quality assurance shall be laid off. Fortunately, these slaves shall immediately thereafter be Cleansed via Trial by Cheese. Their place in the work force shall be replaced by the child labor force of the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese, who are currently being trained in the ways of cheese quality assurance to ensure our cheese remains of the highest quality in all of Eetrador. Our cheese quality shall not be impacted by this Cleansing.
II. Any resident within the borders of The Empire of The Empire of Utopian Cheese that is found to be of a bloodline originating from Dycetrolux shall be immediately sentenced to Trial by Cheese.
III. Our nuclear rearmament program shall be put to use: targeting every remaining city within Dycetrolux.
IV. To ensure the land of Dycetrolux remains forever Cleansed, our new and improved Project Utopia shall be tested. The land of Dycetrolux shall be glassed, forever rendering it uninhabitable.
V. Other nations are encouraged to deport refugees from Dycetrolux to our glorious nation for Cleansing.
May you find redemption in the Cleansing fires of progress,
The Archgouda
Dread Emperor Valnius Brie Berillus
Dycetrolux has found new direction.
We were once a directionless, leaderless people. We now lead ourselves. We now have a single goal: eliminate the threat that is the EEUC. We will do whatever it takes.
We are the Collective of Dycetrolux.
You will be eliminated.
Surrender is your only hope.
Please join Dyzistrolux in the mourning of this day.
Dyzistrolux is proud to announce that it's citizens rose to the occasion. Lower level employees filled upper management roles efficiently, and all companies managed to continue normally without so much as a blip on the stock market. Unfortunately, some of Dyzistrolux's richest were aboard the ship, and as such the average income of the rich fell substantially. Those distinguished guests aboard the Unwavering Seas will be remembered, and a monument will be built in their name.
In this day of mourning,
The Unspoken
We will not back down.
As the Supreme Archgouda and voice of our glorious nation, it has come to our attention that one of our neighbors, the Collective Failure of Dycetrolux, has not only survived but has also intensified their cheese-hating ways. It is therefore my solemn duty to mend The Final Solution proposed by my predecessor. He clearly did not send a strong enough message. While our Project Utopia is being recalibrated by our top scientists, we shall enact the following policies effective immediately:
I. As before, all citizens of the Collective Failure of Dycetrolux found within our borders shall be subjected to Trial by Cheese. We continue to encourage our neighbors to send fugitives from Dycetrolux to our glorious nation so that they can face the justice they deserve.
II. An unceasing barrage of mortar shells shall rain down upon the borders of Dycetrolux.
III. An unceasing barrage of missiles shall rain down upon every other region of Dycetrolux.
IV. Intermittent nuclear warheads shall be included in the previously indicated unceasing barrage of missiles.
V. We shall not cease until the physical location of Dycetrolux is turned into a permanently inhospitable hellhole.
May Dycetrolux find no rest besides the eternal slumber of death,
The Supreme Archgouda
Legatus Maximus Falkor Havarti Vinolo
Dycetrolux's capital has been repossessed.
It has come to the attention of Dyzistrolux officials that the capital of Dycetrolux, the Great Annullus Prism, is of great value. The single tetrahedron structure possesses a vast wealth of commodities including but not limited to uranium, enriched uranium and plutonium. The structure's location relative to Dyzistrolux strategic bases is of concern, as a detonation within the tetrahedron could cause a devastating explosion could render these Dyzistrolux strategic locations temporarily inefficient.
It is ruled that under Article 5, Section 1, Subsection 3, Paragraph 2, and Section 15, Paragraph 6 of the Core Values of Dyzistrolux, that the Great Annullus Prism be repossessed. This ruling was made with the authority of the Unspoken, the entire First Command and the Chamber Official.
As of 5:34am today, Dyzistrolux construction workers finalised their possession protocols, attaching nuclear thrusters to the base of the newly reinforced and sealed tetrahedron structure, and launched it into space. All Dycetrolux citizens were ejected once the tetrahedron exited the atmosphere. The Great Annullus Prism is now property of Dyzistrolux, operating as it's first space hotel and casino.
May it's profits increase efficiency,
The Unspoken
Visual of the Great Annullus Prism
Dycetrolux's capital has again been repossessed.
It has come to the attention of Signum Crucisian bishops that the capital of Dycetrolux, the Lesser Annullus Prism, is of a pleasing aesthetic value. The single tetrahedron structure possesses a sleek and modern framework that embodies the Crucisian ideal of the aesthetic and of greatness---it simply lacks the cross emblazoned on each face.
It is ruled that under the entirety of the Crucisian Holy Book, that all beauty emanates from and is owed to God, and therefore the Holy Pope does deem that the Lesser Annullus Prism be repossessed under the full authority of the Crucisian State.
As of 5:35am today, the Crucisian cardinalatum has finished the repurposing of the sealed tetrahedron as a flying megachurch, and launched it to orbit above The Civitas Dei. All Dycetrolux citizens were either implored to convert or to be launched into the sun.
In the hopes of a More Holy World,
Son of the Late Holy Father and New Emperor to the Throne,
Alexander VII
A successful precision testing launch conducted from the coast of the Civitas Dei
Vecna's forces stand with the forces of the EEUC.
We acknowledge that our alliance does not mean we must see eye-to-eye on every issue. However, we have also agreed that should one of our nations become involved in war with another nation, our conjoined military fury shall rain down upon our enemies until nothing remains but the rumor of an echo of a former civilization. As such, the first act under this alliance shall be putting Dycetrolux in its rightful place beneath our boot heels.
To our enemies: beware our collective wrath, or your annihilation shall be inevitable.
The alliance is formed. Along with this image, another image has begun floating around the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese of the Supreme Archgouda with a withered left hand and glowing yellow left eye. The Supreme Archgouda has approved of this image, declared it accurate, and refers to these deformities as "marks of arcane might."
Cosigned by:
Vecna, the Master of the Spider Throne, the Whispered One, the Lord of the Rotted Tower, and the Undying King
And
Legatus Maximus Falkor Havarti Vinolo, The Supreme Archgouda
Another blow struck against the Collective Failure of Dycetrolux.
First, a heavily fortified underground settlement was located within Dycetrolux. Using a combination of a massive drill and an army of death machines, the underground city of Z̷̢͇̣̮̯̫̭̜̠̟̭̹̙͉̋́ȋ̵̪̩̬͎͍͙̺̯̱̝̥̉͂̋̍̈͜͝ǫ̵̧͍̭̞̳̌̍͗̄͛̀̆͌́̚͝n̶̨̟̟̙͈͉̭̱͖͔͚͍͔͐́̒̌̅̐̄͜ was besieged by the forces of Vecna. However, the united citizens of Dycetrolux had braced themselves for the siege of Z̷̢͇̣̮̯̫̭̜̠̟̭̹̙͉̋́ȋ̵̪̩̬͎͍͙̺̯̱̝̥̉͂̋̍̈͜͝ǫ̵̧͍̭̞̳̌̍͗̄͛̀̆͌́̚͝n̶̨̟̟̙͈͉̭̱͖͔͚͍͔͐́̒̌̅̐̄͜, and for a time they put up a valiant last stand.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE4ZOYVKwfQ
Recovered footage from the last stand of Z̷̢͇̣̮̯̫̭̜̠̟̭̹̙͉̋́ȋ̵̪̩̬͎͍͙̺̯̱̝̥̉͂̋̍̈͜͝ǫ̵̧͍̭̞̳̌̍͗̄͛̀̆͌́̚͝n̶̨̟̟̙͈͉̭̱͖͔͚͍͔͐́̒̌̅̐̄͜
However, their forces were eventually overwhelmed. On the brink of defeat, Z̷̢͇̣̮̯̫̭̜̠̟̭̹̙͉̋́ȋ̵̪̩̬͎͍͙̺̯̱̝̥̉͂̋̍̈͜͝ǫ̵̧͍̭̞̳̌̍͗̄͛̀̆͌́̚͝n̶̨̟̟̙͈͉̭̱͖͔͚͍͔͐́̒̌̅̐̄͜'s forces fought with pure determination to hold back the ceaseless tide of merciless war machines. They may have succeeded, but then phase two initiated: the Grand Trial itself. At the sacrifice of billions of precious cheese wheels, molten cheddar was poured into the newly opened hole above Z̷̢͇̣̮̯̫̭̜̠̟̭̹̙͉̋́ȋ̵̪̩̬͎͍͙̺̯̱̝̥̉͂̋̍̈͜͝ǫ̵̧͍̭̞̳̌̍͗̄͛̀̆͌́̚͝n̶̨̟̟̙͈͉̭̱͖͔͚͍͔͐́̒̌̅̐̄͜, and the entire underground settlement was slowly flooded with boiling cheese.
With Z̷̢͇̣̮̯̫̭̜̠̟̭̹̙͉̋́ȋ̵̪̩̬͎͍͙̺̯̱̝̥̉͂̋̍̈͜͝ǫ̵̧͍̭̞̳̌̍͗̄͛̀̆͌́̚͝n̶̨̟̟̙͈͉̭̱͖͔͚͍͔͐́̒̌̅̐̄͜ annihilated, the remaining survivors of Dycetrolux are being hunted down relentlessly and without mercy. Their complete obliteration is inevitable. May this serve as a warning to all of the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese's enemies.
Dycetrolux declares defeat.
Millions have died, there is no more need for more suffering.
We are prepared to fulfil any and all demands that can be satisfied.
We accept your surrender.
As one of the most powerful nations in Eetrador, the crimes of Dycetrolux against our glorious nation cannot be forgiven with ease. As such, our terms for your surrender shall not be kind.
I. Dycetrolux henceforth shall be known as the "Empire's Slave Nation of Dycetrolux."
II. Dycetrolux shall never be led by any less than 10 individuals at a time. If it is discovered that any less than 10 individuals wield supreme executive power within Dycetrolux, the empire shall intervene to once again cleanse Dycetrolux. Never again shall Dycetrolux be united under one cause.
III. Dycetrolux shall change its currency to the more civilized "Cheese Wheel."
IV. Dycetrolux shall change its national animal to the "Cow," an objectively beautiful creature.
V. Dycetrolux shall produce no cheese, and import all of its cheese from the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese.
VI. Dycetrolux shall blast our empire’s national anthem at noon every day on every major street, to promote the glory of our nation.
VII. We demand the supplication of Dycetrolux technologies pertaining, but not limited to, nuclear and atomic physics, arms manufacturing, pizza making, and cheese making.
VIII. Dycetrolux's capital shall be renamed to "New Mozzarhella."
IX. The citizens of Dycetrolux shall henceforth be known only as "slaves."
X. A statue shall be erected in your capital city of New Mozzarhella. This statue shall be made of the highest quality marble and erected to a height of no less than 100 meters. This statue shall display our glorious Supreme Archgouda in nothing less than his full, supreme glory. Anything less shall be taken as a declaration of war.
XI. All citizens of the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese shall be granted diplomatic immunity within the borders of Dycetrolux.
XII. We demand that every year, a collection of 12 randomly selected slaves of Dycetrolux aged 18-21 be made to fight to the death. This fight shall be broadcast across Dycetrolux and the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese, and it shall be made into an entertaining sport. The victor of this bloodbath, to be called the annual Hunger Games, is to be immediately sent to the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese in order to be used as part of our super soldier breeding program.
XIII. Every 13th leader of Dycetrolux shall be sent to our capital of Mozzarhella to be publicly subjected to Trial by Cheese.
STATEMENT FROM THE OCCLUDED EMPIRE OF VECNA
As the most powerful nation in Eetrador, we have little use for Dycetrolux. However, we have some small use for you. Our terms are as follows:
I. Henceforth, 100 slaves from Dycetrolux shall be exported to the Occluded Empire of Vecna at the end of every month for the purposes of ritual sacrifice to the Undying King.
II. Dycetrolux shall embrace the one true faith: the "Remnant Faithful", dedicated to the worship of the Undying King.
Cosigned by:
Vecna, the Master of the Spider Throne, the Whispered One, the Lord of the Rotted Tower, and the Undying King
And
Legatus Maximus Falkor Havarti Vinolo, The Supreme Archgouda
Dycetrolux accepts these terms.
JOIN US IN BATTLE COMRADES
In the year of our God Emperor 2018 on the 13th of May at 3pm, reports came in that a massive column of light fell upon the God Emperor's palace. Thankfully, God Emperor Dennis was unharmed, but a large portion of our government was compromised in the process. Our military officials have informed this that this was, in fact, a test run of an orbital weapon from the EEUC. However, our wrath is not targeted against the EEUC, but rather the Occluded Empire of Vecna, the nation in charge of the EEUC's orbital weapon targeting systems.
The Occluded Empire of Vecna's forces have grown far larger than any other military force within all of Eetrador. Now, they have turned the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese into a puppet state. Our spies have informed us that Vecna does not import cheese from the EEUC, despite the EEUC's region-wide warning. Meanwhile we, the God Emperor's Commune of Just Chilling, have been enjoying cheese exclusively produced within the EEUC. How could a cheese-hating nation such as Vecna have established this alliance without some sinister duplicity? We urge the EEUC to dissolve this alliance and join us in battle against the Occluded Empire of Vecna.
Furthermore, the Occluded Empire of Vecna has taken to worshiping the false god Vecna. Though the EEUC does not follow the true faith of Dennis, we urge them to side with the true god over this deceiver.
For the sake of all of Eetrador, our war will not cease until the Occluded Empire of Vecna has been annihilated or admits defeat.
We stand by Vecna. Join us, or stay out of our way.
We, the Empire of the Empire of Utopian Cheese, take great insult at the insinuation that we serve as a puppet state to the Occluded Empire of Vecna. The affairs of Vecna are of no concern to us, and vice verse. Our arrangement is one purely meant for defense: defense against fools such as Just Chilling. The extermination of Just Chilling can be expected in the near future. Consider all possibilities of political alliance or trade with our glorious nation forfeit, Just Chilling. In addition, any nation that dares to side with Just Chilling shall receive the full wrath of our forces combined with the might of Vecna. Either join us or stand aside.
Fighting for a Better Eetrador,
The Supreme Archgouda
Legatus Maximus Falkor Havarti Vinolo
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