by Max Barry

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Region: The Coalition of Democratic Nations

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Red Cabianan de Noticias (RCN) - Broadcast of Sunday, July 7th 2030
| Hola, El Presidente! |

LOCAL

  • El Presidente oversees the Cabiana Day celebrations, the streets "practically colored red, green, yellow, and blue".
    Every year on the 5th of July, the people of Cabiana after waiting all year finally come together to throw a true and dear we say radical celebration in honor of the independence of Cabiana on the 5th of July, 1703. It is a time to celebrate the greatest parts of Cabiana life and culture like El Presidente, former El Presidentes, and the great history of Cabiana through Cabiana made rum, cuisine, and even fireworks! And the big event being the launching of the El Presidentes own missile sized firework, 'The Spirit of Cabiana', which citizens gathered around to watch it take off with a beautiful flaming trail into the sky, before exploding into a beautiful and massive Cabiana star, surrounded by other criks and cracks of gunpowder glory!

  • Cerman Man denied entry into the Turtle Club, starts "squaticuffs" with bouncer.
    Just last night a Cerman man by the name of Rolff Hankins was waltzing down the street to enter the Turtle Club, unfortunately not realizing that the Turtle Club was not a classy drinking club, but instead a classy drinking club for people dressed up as Turtles. Rolff was told "Sorry sir, you are not Turtley enough for the Turtle club.", and after trying to negotiate with the man he began to violently squat on top of the bouncers head, leading to a violent and long fight of squaticuffs, before confused Cabianan authorities defused the situation and sent the Cerman man on his way. "HOW DARE HE NOT LET ME INTO THE TURTLE CLUB" shouts Rolff at the journalists, "WHO EVEN HAS A LITERAL TURTLE CLUB? WHO DOES THAT?", the man then promptly threw a perfectly good bowl of cereal at a local street performer before storming off.

  • Vice Presidente Peneltimo attains pet bear, nobody knows how he got it, not even El Presidente.
    "Go ahead and pet it!" gladly says Peneltimo, pushing a horrified journalist to pet the bears head, "I named him Padron after the El Presidente! Doesn't he just look like a Padron to you?". El Presidente was flattered by the name choice, but such does not negate the fact that overnight Cabiana's VP acquired a literal bear, seriously, no one knows where he got an actual bear, we don't even think bears are native to Cabiana. Luckily the bear seems to be incredibly passive to anyone, and the Cabiana cabinet, including even the Minister of Education have begun to warm up to the presence of a bear in the Ministry. The bear was featured in the Cabiana Day parades, as Peneltimo rode the behemoth down the street waving Cabiana flags spastically to the cheers of the people of Cabiana with a big dumb smile on his face.

INTERNACIONAL

  • Karthspiri invasion of Afghanistan, looks "interesting" claims El Presidente.

  • Soviet and Americas sign treaty of Zurich, El Presidente agrees that Switzerland is a nice place to visit.

  • Japan expands airforce, still nothing as cool as El Presidentes helicopter collection says El Presidentes VP Peneltimo.

  • Bashar Al-Assad wins Syrian CSGO competition, El Presidente congratulates him and considers starting his own.

  • Washington drills oil under Republic Oil, but not as much as Cabiana makes cooking oil says Peneltimo stroking his moustache.

  • Taiwan referendum to take place, El Presidente finds situation to weirdly ironic but he doesn't know why.

  • Washington forces enter DEFCON 4 amidst Asian tomfoolery, El Presidente personally teaches Peneltimo how to use a sword, leading to a guard to lose his thumb.

  • Washington tourists finally sent home after negotiations, "Congrats!" says El Presidente.

  • Dragon Boat festival underway, Peneltimo owns a copy of "How to Train Your Dragon" in Chinese, does that count?

  • Elections and racial bookaakaa in the Molucca's, "That's crazy" says El Presidente worried about having to change his map for the 5th time this year.

Ascoobis, Nordamy, Karthspirije, and Lietoviekii

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