by Max Barry

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*Dressed in jeans and t-shirt, the proprietor walks down Main Street to the shuttered take-away store. He crouches, unlocks the metal shutter, then tugs it up. It rolls up neatly, revealing a large window and the glass door of the shop. He unlocks the door, steps inside, and looks around. He sighs.*

Back to it then.

But wait a minute, the building burned down. It was arson. Your employee lit the fire.

Is this another location?

The mirror man

Joke shop man wrote:But wait a minute, the building burned down. It was arson. Your employee lit the fire.

Is this another location?

Probably. It's a global franchise. I just lease the building, I don't own it.

*Looks around for signs of fire damage, and fails to see any*

You must be thinking of some other place or time. This is Main St, Nowheresville, in the United States of Generica. Let me know when you're ready to order. I'd recommend the Hawaiian. It has pineapple.

The mirror man

Joke shop man

Dominions Pizza wrote:Probably. It's a global franchise. I just lease the building, I don't own it.

*Looks around for signs of fire damage, and fails to see any*

You must be thinking of some other place or time. This is Main St, Nowheresville, in the United States of Generica. Let me know when you're ready to order. I'd recommend the Hawaiian. It has pineapple.

Maybe later. I'm the owner of the Joke Shop Store who relocated (after the insurance company paid off after the arson) to the building across the street. I just came over to see if it was Groundhogs Day.

*a snowball whizzes by*

The mirror man

Joke shop man wrote:Maybe later. I'm the owner of the Joke Shop Store which relocated in the adjacent building after the fire. I just came over to see if it was Groundhogs Day.

*a snowball whizzes by*

*Peers out the window, and spots weatherman Phil Connors preparing to go on camera.*
Yeah. Yeah, could well be.

The mirror man

Joke shop man

Whoa.
*looks out window*
I think we're both simultaneously having the same flashback...
It's... it's...

Dominions Pizza and The mirror man

Joke shop man wrote:Whoa.
*looks out window*
I think we're both simultaneously having the same flashback...
It's... it's...

Someone said there was going to be a blizzard come this way, but Phil Connors said it would pass us by. He's usually right on these things. He's a good guy.

The mirror man and Joke shop man

The mirror man

*floats inside store*
Hey man, I got some Tripitor samples from the big pharma guy i know. Check it out.

Tripitor

by Firesign theater

LinkTripitor

WARNING: Do not look at the Coyote.

Read dispatch


Wow this their best drug in years. How 'bout, i trade you a couple doses of it for a Herbivore Pizza with pineapple? Okay, man?

Joke shop man

The mirror man wrote:*floats inside store*
Hey man, I got some Tripitor samples from the big pharma guy i know. Check it out.

Tripitor

by Firesign theater

LinkTripitor

WARNING: Do not look at the Coyote.

Read dispatch


Wow this their best drug in years. How 'bout, i trade you a couple doses of it for a Herbivore Pizza with pineapple? Okay, man?

Really?
Hey bro, my store's just next door, come over once you get the pie. Deliver me a couple tabs of Tripitor and I'll show you the new fake vomit. It's realistic. They/ve added the smell. Such geniuses.
*chuckles*

Hey Dominions Pizza dude.
*makes eye contact*

I'll cover his pizza order today.
*lays cash on counter*

The mirror man

Cool.

*Takes the cash*

Herbivore with pineapple coming up. You want extra mushrooms with that?

The mirror man

The mirror man

Dominions Pizza wrote:*Takes the cash*

Herbivore with pineapple coming up. You want extra mushrooms with that?

*nods yes while staring at the coyote**

Shady characters

Hello.
I am the secret shopper. Worship me.

*Adds some more mushrooms onto the pizza before sending it through the oven.*

The mirror man wrote:*nods yes while staring at the coyote**

Don't take your eye off that coyote. Those things eat groundhogs. We can't risk that it gets to Peyotownie Phil.

Shady characters wrote:Hello.
I am the secret shopper. Worship me.

Whoops, I didn't notice you there. You must be getting hungry! What can I get you?

Shady characters

Dominions Pizza wrote:Whoops, I didn't notice you there. You must be getting hungry! What can I get you?

I'd like some delivery menus and some coupons to distribute in my building, please. Odd, but no one else delivers there.

The mirror man

Dominions Pizza wrote:*Adds some more mushrooms onto the pizza before sending it through the oven.*
Don't take your eye off that coyote. Those things eat groundhogs. We can't risk that it gets to Peyotownie Phil.

No worry, man. It morphed into an African Sparrow and flew a way a couple par secs ago.

Umm, what was that? Peyote Phil you say?

Shady characters wrote:I'd like some delivery menus and some coupons to distribute in my building, please. Odd, but no one else delivers there.

Sure. Here's some menus. We don't do coupons at present though. We only get those when the brand's doing a promotion. Where's your building? It might be in our radius.

The mirror man wrote:No worry, man. It morphed into an African Sparrow and flew a way a couple par secs ago.

Umm, what was that? Peyote Phil you say?

Peyotownie Phil. That's the groundhog's name. I wonder if the little fella is out of hibernation yet?

Shady characters

The voice in the back of your head

Dominions Pizza wrote:Sure. Here's some menus. We don't do coupons at present though. We only get those when the brand's doing a promotion. Where's your building? It might be in our radius.
Peyotownie Phil. That's the groundhog's name. I wonder if the little fella is out of hibernation yet?

Dominions Pizza!!! :D

The voice in the back of your head wrote:Dominions Pizza!!! :D

Sh:t.
*The proprietor briefly disappears into the cupboard that serves as an office. Inside, he pops a pill from a blister pack, and swallows it.*
Those voices are back. Good job the shrink gave me these meds.

*He returns to the shop to box up the extra-mushrooms pizza*

The voice in the back of your head

The voice in the back of your head

Dominions Pizza wrote:Sh:t.
*The proprietor briefly disappears into the cupboard that serves as an office. Inside, he pops a pill from a blister pack, and swallows it.*
Those voices are back. Good job the shrink gave me these meds.

*He returns to the shop to box up the extra-mushrooms pizza*

You can't get rid of me that easily, silly!

Shady characters

Dominions Pizza wrote:Sure. Here's some menus. We don't do coupons at present though. We only get those when the brand's doing a promotion. Where's your building? It might be in our radius.

Alright, thanks.
*looks out window, points at building across street*
I live in that big one over there. The one which Prescott Pharmaceuticals has their corporate offices.

The voice in the back of your head

The voice in the back of your head wrote:You can't get rid of me that easily, silly!

*The proprietor ignores the voice while waiting for the meds to kick in. He consoles himself with the thought that although they take a while to take effect, these pills work well. Thank god for the eggheads at Prescott Pharma that invent these things. These guys have a pill for everything.*

Shady characters wrote:Alright, thanks.
*looks out window, points at building across street*
I live in that big one over there. The one which Prescott Pharmaceuticals has their corporate offices.

You live there? You sound like my cousin, who got a job with the investment wing of Bank of Generica. They had him working all hours. Poor guy even slept at his desk. They thought he was their most dedicated employee. He won "employee of the month" from April through to November. He'd have gotten December too, but someone went to wish him a Merry Christmas, and discovered he'd been dead at his desk for some time. The coroner reckoned July, maybe August. I guess that's why he was the only one in the department that didn't record a loss in the last two quarters of that year.

His boss said he'd thought my cousin was a bit smelly, but had reckoned he'd just been too busy to shower.

Anyhow, here's that pizza.

Shady characters

The voice in the back of your head

Dominions Pizza wrote:*The proprietor ignores the voice while waiting for the meds to kick in. He consoles himself with the thought that although they take a while to take effect, these pills work well. Thank god for the eggheads at Prescott Pharma that invent these things. These guys have a pill for everything.*

You live there? You sound like my cousin, who got a job with the investment wing of Bank of Generica. They had him working all hours. Poor guy even slept at his desk. They thought he was their most dedicated employee. He won "employee of the month" from April through to November. He'd have gotten December too, but someone went to wish him a Merry Christmas, and discovered he'd been dead at his desk for some time. The coroner reckoned July, maybe August. I guess that's why he was the only one in the department that didn't record a loss in the last two quarters of that year.

His boss said he'd thought my cousin was a bit smelly, but had reckoned he'd just been too busy to shower.

Anyhow, here's that pizza.

Ha! There's no way you're getting rid of me! Ha! Absolutely no wa-
*the voice suddenly cuts off*

Shady characters

Dominions Pizza wrote:*The proprietor ignores the voice while waiting for the meds to kick in. He consoles himself with the thought that although they take a while to take effect, these pills work well. Thank god for the eggheads at Prescott Pharma that invent these things. These guys have a pill for everything.*

You live there? You sound like my cousin, who got a job with the investment wing of Bank of Generica. They had him working all hours. Poor guy even slept at his desk. They thought he was their most dedicated employee. He won "employee of the month" from April through to November. He'd have gotten December too, but someone went to wish him a Merry Christmas, and discovered he'd been dead at his desk for some time. The coroner reckoned July, maybe August. I guess that's why he was the only one in the department that didn't record a loss in the last two quarters of that year.

His boss said he'd thought my cousin was a bit smelly, but had reckoned he'd just been too busy to shower.

Anyhow, here's that pizza.

Oh. The top two floors in the place are penthouse suites. My fiancé has one of them. He's some bigwig at Prescott and gets it as one of his perks.

*lowers sunglasses gently to the tip of nose, peers out over rims*
Hmm. That's so terrible. Sounds like the overnight cleaning crew failed to notice your cousin. From a corporate point-of-view, in the end it's their responsibility to remove the dead and report their death to management. They should have been terminated immediately for such incompetence. But, I'm sorry for your loss.

*takes a step towards door with menus*
I'll leave these extra menus with the PP people that work in my building. You'll get most of the food deliveries from out of there. From what I'm told, their employees can't afford anyplace else's fare.
*chuckles*

BTW, I didn't order any pizza yet. Way too early. Must be someone else's.
See, my fiancé only orders food for delivery about 5 minutes before a restaurant closes for the night or less even. He doesn't really plan to do it that way, it's just happenstance. That's when we get hungry after, well... after, you know.
*winks, smiles, leaves premises*
Ta-ta.

1234. . .1213»

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