The Kingdom of Free Swistia Kalistair is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by John with an iron fist, and notable for its barren, inhospitable landscape, frequent executions, and parental licensing program. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical population of 6.728 billion Free Swistia Kalistairians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The large, corrupt, moralistic government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Education, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Sontar. The average income tax rate is 43.7%.

The all-consuming Free Swistia Kalistairian economy, worth 473 trillion rubles a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Retail, Uranium Mining, and Cheese Exports. Black market activity is frequent. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 70,346 rubles, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 4.5 times as much as the poorest.

The government regrets to say that it is forced to make cuts to citizens, celebrity foodies are biting a huge chunk out of the government budget, an extra-long museum is being built to house the old border wall, and a few immigrants are better than no immigrants according to John. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Free Swistia Kalistair's national animal is the fox, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Nothing.

Free Swistia Kalistair is ranked 227,846^th in the world and 644^th in 10000 Islands for Nicest Citizens, with 5.59 average smiles per day.