The Kids are crying because of Main Page is a massive, cultured nation, ruled by President Splat Travis Hohojiro with a fair hand, and notable for its ubiquitous missile silos, smutty television, and unlimited-speed roads. The hard-working, democratic population of 1.229 billion cash money people hold their civil and political rights very dear, although the wealthy and those in business tend to be viewed with suspicion.

The relatively small, liberal, outspoken government juggles the competing demands of Industry, Defense, and Administration. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of splatsville. The average income tax rate is 27.9%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient splatlandian economy, worth 160 trillion cashes a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Retail, Gambling, and Soda Sales. Black market activity is frequent. Average income is an impressive 130,324 cashes, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.2 times as much as the poorest.

The nation's interest in space is at an all-time high while interest in saving the planet is at an all-time low, running away is an essential part of the elite forces' hand-to-hand training, Main Page is notorious for its citizens' infidelity, and President Splat Travis Hohojiro's exquisite office door is replaced monthly due to angry petitioners. Crime, especially youth-related, is all-pervasive, perhaps because of the country's complete lack of prisons. Main Page's national animal is the squid, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to heavy metals seepage into national waterways, and its national religion is woomyism.

Main Page is ranked 281,098^th in the world and 429^th in The League for Safest, scoring 5.01 on the Bubble-Rapp Safety Rating.