The Holy Dolorian Imperium of The Traditional States is a gargantuan, environmentally stunning nation, ruled by Dux-Imperatorem John W Blackheart with an iron fist, and renowned for its triple-decker prams, aversion to nipples, and frequent executions. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, devout population of 11.555 billion Dolorians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Industry, Education, and Law & Order. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Sant'Augusto. The average income tax rate is 95.0%.

The frighteningly efficient Dolorian economy, worth a remarkable 2,483 trillion Imperiuses a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Retail, and Tourism. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an amazing 214,952 Imperiuses, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.9 times as much as the poorest.

The nation's "surprisingly chill" military is renowned for its horrendous war crimes, slow dancing is made trickier when Auntie Edna insists on standing between the couple's arms, children are often observed making 'sand angels' in bunkers, and typing Dux-Imperatorem John W Blackheart's name into a search engine always gives zero matches. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. The Traditional States's national animal is the Griffin, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Dolorian Chiefolicism.

The Traditional States is ranked 207,618^th in the world and 7^th in Chicagoland for Highest Foreign Aid Spending, scoring -4.47 on the Clooney Contribution Index.