The Space Pirate Empire of New Briantown is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Brian with an even hand, and remarkable for its rum-swilling pirates, complete lack of prisons, and ubiquitous missile silos. The compassionate, hard-working, cheerful population of 13.105 billion New Briantownians enjoy some of the most opulent lifestyles in the region, unless they are unemployed or working-class, in which case they are variously starving to death or crippled by easily preventable diseases.

The tiny, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Education, Industry, and Administration. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Briantown. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 54.9%.

The frighteningly efficient New Briantownian economy, worth a remarkable 4,636 trillion Briantown bucks a year, is led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Tourism, Book Publishing, and Retail. Black market activity is extensive. Average income is an amazing 353,832 Briantown bucks, with the richest citizens earning 7.8 times as much as the poorest.

Public ferries only carry enough lifeboats for the first-class passengers, the latest national park is visited by more sharks than people, exploding toys that leak battery acid are back in the shops after the government declared child safety 'over-rated', and endangered bison are herded across the border to prevent them from trampling on native prairie grass. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown. New Briantown's national animal is the Bear, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Brianism.

New Briantown is ranked 13,972^nd in the world and 889^th in Balder for Lowest Crime Rates, with 95.32 law-abiding acts per hour.