The Malo Sa'oloto Tuto'atasi of Tongatapu is a gargantuan, orderly nation, ruled by Fa'a Samoa with an iron fist, and renowned for its pith helmet sales, fear of technology, and absence of drug laws. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 43.509 billion Tongatapuans are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Education, Law & Order, and Administration. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Apia. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 54.7%.

The frighteningly efficient Tongatapuan economy, worth a remarkable 7,095 trillion tala a year, is led by the Retail industry, with significant contributions from Tourism, Book Publishing, and Information Technology. Black market activity is rampant. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an impressive 163,071 tala, but there is a significant disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 490,681 per year while the poor average 42,277, a ratio of 11.6 to 1.

Commercial jingles have been ham-handedly forced into world renowned symphonies, the diplomatic corps stinks, students who do not recite the national anthem each morning have to drop and give their teacher 50, and nudity is frowned upon. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Tongatapu's national animal is the porpoise, which frolics freely in the nation's sparkling oceans, and its national religion is Bell of the compressed gas cylinder.

Tongatapu is ranked 17,646^th in the world and 5^th in United Nations for Lowest Crime Rates, with 91.71 law-abiding acts per hour.