The Totally gay assassin of Upper Calvonia is a massive, cultured nation, ruled by King Simon 'Devil's Hand' with an even hand, and notable for its free-roaming dinosaurs, multi-spousal wedding ceremonies, and vat-grown people. The hard-nosed, humorless population of 3.869 billion Upper Calvonians have some civil rights, but not too many, enjoy the freedom to spend their money however they like, to a point, and take part in free and open elections, although not too often.

The large, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Administration, Industry, and Law & Order. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of The City of Crime. The average income tax rate is 79.0%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Upper Calvonian economy, worth 926 trillion Blood-stained coins a year, is broadly diversified and mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Arms Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, Retail, and Woodchip Exports. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an amazing 239,545 Blood-stained coins, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The public transport system has been eliminated, flamethrower-toting soldiers are also equipped with fire blankets and extinguishers, Big Brother is still watching even when your big brother is dead, and a referendum must be held in order for any new law to be passed. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Upper Calvonia's national animal is the Black Mamba, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Worship of the Man Downstairs.

Upper Calvonia is ranked 11,685^th in the world and 2^nd in Vulture of War for Nudest, with 958.5 cheeks per square mile.