The Totally gay assassin of Upper Calvonia is a massive, orderly nation, ruled by King Simon 'Devil's Hand' with an iron fist, and renowned for its frequent executions, complete lack of prisons, and avowedly heterosexual populace. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless, devout population of 2.517 billion Upper Calvonians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Administration, Industry, and Law & Order. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of The City of Crime. The average income tax rate is 68.7%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Upper Calvonian economy, worth 491 trillion Blood-stained coins a year, is broadly diversified and mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Arms Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, Retail, and Woodchip Exports. Average income is an impressive 195,339 Blood-stained coins, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.8 times as much as the poorest.

It is a common belief that a sport isn't sport if there are no decapitations, God took rock and roll from you, took rock and roll from everyone, billions of Blood-stained coins are being blown on orbital weapons development, and executions are marked by quiet dignity and maybe a final round or two of whist. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Upper Calvonia's national animal is the Black Mamba, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Worship of the Man Downstairs.

Upper Calvonia is ranked 64,107^th in the world and 4^th in Vulture of War for Lowest Crime Rates, with 71.07 law-abiding acts per hour.