Post

Auphelia wrote:

Since the dawn of time, one question has gone unanswered:

Why do Hello Kitty bandages not heal wounds?

This question has dogged humanity for millennia. If elected to the LC I will devote every necessary and available resource to resolve this dilemma once and for all. We shall spare no expense: even if it means the local council has to sleep under benches and our delegate is reduced to living a palm-thatched cabanna on the beach. Well that or I might ineptly attempt to use one to ineffectively heal the dead in our RMB.

RESEARCH LOG:

WOUND: Gunshot/Chest Wound

Volaworand wrote:

places the meat back in TSSS's gaping chest hole... and puts a hello kitty band-aid on it

RESULT: ineffective, death followed swiftly.

WOUND: Head Stabbing/Skull Fracture

Volaworand wrote:

*tears off plain band-aid*

*puts on a bright pink Hello Kitty Band-aid*

There! that's better.

RESULT: ineffective. Initial improved mood, followed by death. Research note: possible placebo effect?

WOUND: Psychic Wipe, Mutilation, dismemberment and extensive burns.

Volaworand wrote:

*puts a bright pink hello kitty band-aid on you.*

Are you all better now?

*nudges your mutilated burnt corpse*

*stares blankly*

RESULT: ineffective.

WOUND: Consumption of poison-laced bamboo

Volaworand wrote:

*puts a bright pink Hello Kitty band-aid on your corpse*

*Pecks at your flesh to see if you are tasty or bitter*

oh... Panda! the other white meat!

*nom nom nom*

RESULT: inconclusive. Subject remained dead, but test was interrupted by subject's corpse being eaten.

WOUND: Massive Crushing Injury after being hugged by tentacled RMB goddess

Volaworand wrote:

puts a bright pink Hello Kitty band-aid on your corpse.

RESULT: ineffective.

WOUND: Unspecified Gunshot wound

Volaworand wrote:

*applies a hot pink Hello Kitty band-aid and "boo-boo healing" kiss*

Hopefully that will work? that's the extent of my first aid skills.

RESULT: ineffective. Subject remained dead.

WOUND: Massive Skull fracture

Volaworand wrote:

*puts a hot pink Hello Kitty band-aid on your cracked head*

RESULT: ineffective. it appears the band-aid was not large enough to prevent brain loss.

WOUND: Demonic possession, followed by gunshot and severe blunt force trauma wounds

Volaworand wrote:

These demons are very tricky!

*checks bullet wounds... applies a hot pink Hello Kitty band-aid*

I see the demon bleeding out of her body: this is a good sign!

RESULT: inconclusive. The demonic possession faded after the test subject lost consciousness prior to death.

WOUND: Sport injury. Leg pain.

Volaworand wrote:

*puts a bright pink Hello Kitty Band-aid on your leg anyway*

RESULT: inconslusive. researcher distracted by attractive nurse.

WOUND: Gunshot Resulting in Massive Cranial Trauma

Volaworand wrote:

*applies the standard hot pink Hello Kitty Band-aid and boo-boo kiss*

I just don't understand why he dies? we are doing everything we can here!

RESULT: ineffective. subject remained dead.

WOUND: Revive-o-matic explosive malfunction resulting in facial burns.

Volaworand wrote:

ouch! now I have to apply first aid to myself!

*applies one hot pink hello kitty band-aid to my burnt face*

RESULT: incomplete data. apparent extensive scarring, however researcher did not have baseline data on original facial features.

WOUND: Gunshot wound/shoulder

Volaworand wrote:

*applies a hot pink Hello Kitty band-aid*

there you go! all better!

RESULT: ineffective. band-aid lost adhesion due to excessive blood splatter.

WOUND: Traumatic Bodily Injury/severed in two by tentacled deity

Volaworand wrote:

*applies a hot pink Hello Kitty band-aid*

Did it work?

RESULT: ineffective. research note: perhaps next time apply the band-aid to remaining upper torso as opposed to severed lower etremities?

WOUND: Hugging/Massive Crushing Injury

Volaworand wrote:

applies my traditional first aid by applying a hot pink Hello Kitty band-aid to the crushed and gooey mess of your body.

it's never worked before... but i'm sure that this time will be the lucky one.

pecks at your lifeless corpse.

"oh no! I guess it didn't work."

drags your body over to the recycling bin... I mean, Revive-o-matic, and tosses you inside.

Does anyone have a revive-o-matic token? I'm all out!

RESULT: ineffective, lack of flat surface impeded ban-aid adhesion.

WOUND: Extraterrestrial visitation resulting Involunary Spinal Loss

Volaworand wrote:

oh noes!!!

*applies the standard ineffective hot pink hello kitty band-aid*

well... I've done all I can

RESULT: ineffective. subject died in agonizing pain.

WOUND: Anaphylaxis after exposure to pro-Trump propaganda (Subject had severe allergy)

Volaworand wrote:

applies a Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-aid ... did it work?

RESULT: ineffective. subject suffered spontaneous illiteracy and moral blindness.

WOUND: Abdominal stabbing, followed by body being magneticly affixed to fridge as art installation

Volaworand wrote:

*applies a standard Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-aid to your gaping wounds*

This time I just know it will work.

RESULT: ineffective. subject died, researcher note: extensive blood loss made a horrible mess of the kitchen floor. potential slipping hazard.

WOUND: SPIT grenade injury

Volaworand wrote:

No!!!!!!!!!!

*rushes over with a Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-aid*

RESULT: ineffective. Subject died promptly. researcher note: treatment may have contributed to Shatner-esce overly dramatic death scene

WOUND: Mass RMB mutism

Volaworand wrote:

*Applies a Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-Aid to the dead RMB*

Hopefully this will help!

RESULT: ineffective. RMB remained mute.

WOUND: Court inducted depression

Volaworand wrote:

he's been quiet and lethargic and laying around the LC offices like... well, like a slab of concrete or something.

Poor guy. :-(

*Applies a Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-aid to Concrete Slab*

RESULT: inconsulsive. band-aid fell off after several days of inactivity. body was discarded in RMB dumpster fire.

WOUND: Drowning

Volaworand wrote:

hello, sir! can you hear me. My name is Volaworand and I'm trained in first aid. I'm going to check if you are breathing.

oh no!

you, in the red shirt, go call 911 and tell them we have an uncouncious male not breathing in the TSP RMB and then come back to me.
You, the fox with no pants! get me a first kit and the AED machine from the front office and bring it back to me!

*applies a Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-aid*

well... I've done all I can.

*whistles innocently*

RESULT: inconclusive. subject began breathing, but then died from laughter. researcher note: 911 did not arrive. Never send a red shirt on an away mission.

Volaworand wrote:

but did you see how that Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-aid brought him back from the brink of death? Our funneling all the LC funds into my medical research is clearly paying off!

WOUND: Stabbed in neck

Poleande wrote:

Ouch. *Applies a Hello-Kitty Band-aid*

RESULT: ineffective. Test result discarded as treatment was not of the Hot Pink version. researcher note: Neon Yellow Hello Kitty Band-aid research has not reached clinical trials.

WOUND: Poverty induced Lack of Pebbles

Volaworand wrote:

but I need those pebbles... for, um.... reasons! I'll pay you handsomely with ill gotten government funds: just bill your fee and expenses to the RMB Hello-Kitty Band-aid research slush fund.

RESULT: inconclusive. possible placebo effect. despite the non-application of treatment, symptoms are lessening.

WOUND: Facial Abrasions during street fight

Volaworand wrote:

*Applies a Hot Pink Hello Kitty Band-aid to TSSS's face.*

There! You should be all better now!

RESULT: inconclusive. research was interrupted by British drama

Volaworand wrote:

hmmm... new season of Downton Abbey coming on... back in a while folks!

WOUND: Unemployed Swedish Fox-maid

Volaworand wrote:

Just bill your hours to the LC's Hello Kitty Band-aid Medical Research Slush Fund … and don't say anything to Drystar

RESULT: inconclusive. The kitchen was cleaned, however the subject provided researcher with excessive Gin and Tonic's resulting in loss of data.