The Protectorate of Decaf Coffee is a mid-sized, environmentally stunning nation, notable for its compulsory military service, ubiquitous missile silos, and complete absence of social welfare. The quiet, industrious population of 62 million Decaf Coffees are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

The medium-sized government prioritizes Defense, with Education, Law & Order, and Administration also on the agenda, while International Aid and Welfare receive no funds. The average income tax rate is 43.1%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The Decaffeinated economy, worth 3.44 trillion sugarcubes a year, is led by the Tourism industry, with major contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Beef-Based Agriculture, and Uranium Mining. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 55,499 sugarcubes, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Turnstile jumpers grow up to be tax cheats, achieving blood purity involves a surprising amount of bloodshed, cyclists spend more time unlocking their bicycles than they do cycling, and young men find it hard to engage in their favourite topic of study with their parents looking over their shoulder. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Decaf Coffee's national animal is the weasel, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Decaf Coffee is ranked 46,741^st in the world and 775^th in The East Pacific for Most Cultured, scoring 73 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.